Valid point, Bug -- and I have been thinking about looking someone up for S to go see.
I spent some time at lunch this afternoon kind of working through why I am struggling with letting all of this go and I think I made a breakthrough or two.
1.) I think I am struggling to let go of the promise/vision of us raising our S together.
We never really got to do this - he was so little when she left. And I always dreamed of vacations, teaching him together, watching him grow together. To this day when he does something amazing she is the first person that I want to tell. I get jealous when I see other families walking around with children his age. On the one hand, it is a beautiful thing to observe - on the other, it's a reminder of what I thought I was going to have and still want with his mother. THAT, I am finding, it tough to surrender.
When S was about 9 months old XW wanted to start working on baby #2. I wasn't ready yet. I was still getting used to being a parent and was still reeling from the IVF and IUI process. I needed time to heal, adjust and get ready to do it again. In her mind (and she has said this) I said "nope" to a second baby. And, therefore, I was giving up on "her dream", as she put it - and she wasn't ready to. Such a misunderstanding that resulted in so much resentment from her. If she only knew how much I wanted #2 and a family. I wish she would have been more patient with me and understanding of where I was at the time. It didn't seem to matter too much to her at the moment. She was so passionate about it, I don't think she was willing to let anything get in her way - including me.
2.) I think I feel as if letting go is saying I wasn't good enough.
I am not patting myself on the back - but over the years, I did a lot (I think) to help improve her life. When I met her, she was a struggling part-time graduate student and a social worker. She was getting tossed around (like most of us) in a crummy dating pool. I fell for her, and wanted to make her life better if I could. When she was broke, I would help her financially without thinking twice. Eventually, she moved in and I think things changed for the better for her. Now, I will be the first to say that the "material" things are not what really mattered to her and I neglected the emotional - huge mistake. I love her as deeply as I could and would have moved the Earth for her if I had to. I knew I wasn't going to leave her - ever - because I felt that she made ME better, too. I fight with the notion that the best that I could do for her - or any woman - was not even enough to keep her in the marriage. I feel inadequate, and in light of the OM popping up, I feel like he SURELY must be perfect and everything that I was not.
3.) This is the most humiliating of all -- I feel awful about someone else getting the love that I wanted and getting her time and attention.
The thought of her sharing a bed with another man makes me sick to my stomach. Add to the fact that my son would be one room over makes it that much worse. Again, it's like observing someone else living the life I wanted so badly. I feel like this new R is a stunning eye-opener of just how terrible of a R we had and how terrible of a father I was in her eyes. Not a lot of elaborating needed on that one.
