I'm OK, just every once in a while the whole thing seems so incredible. She's built a mob of supporters based on lies; if she ever changes her mind about us, it will be interesting to see how she disarms them.
Quote:
From what I see, getting ourselves better is really when we get success. Can't control it, let it go.
Yes, this is the key. Working on self. Knowing what you can't control and letting go of it. Very difficult for me, since occupationally I nudge individuals around obstacles toward a common goal. There is always a way to influence progress. You can't nudge a WAW, and we don't have a common goal.
News from the A front:
W asked OM if they could meet. OM said he couldn't today, "but thanks, though."
Oops. Well you can't say that, now can you. Those three words were killers. They made it all about him. W has the feeling that OM is just using her for sex. She only hears from him after about 3 days from last encounter. Lately, she has to call him. W doesn't understand why he came back after they split in Jan. W doesn't want to give him up, but says he isn't hers to give up. She thinks it will all end when school lets out and the kids are home, anyway. And although I'm sure they'll make up again, he's starting to tarnish.
And her job is going badly. It's stressful, and although I have no doubt that she'd be up to it under normal circumstances, right now between M trouble and A, she just hasn't got the reserves. Too bad she's screwing up such a good opportunity. She feels she is failing at everything; her M, her A, her job. She broke down and was just sobbing. "I'm a good person and smart and why is everyone treating me like crap?" She came home and took her sleeping pills and went to bed at 8pm. She is twisting.
As hard as it is to see her in such anguish, this encourages me. Hopefully this is just the kind of despair she needs to keep moving forward. Not back to me, but at least forward to reality.
I am still the hated root of all evil, holding her to a budget for the first time in 13 years, clearly just to make her miserable. But that's OK. I'm quite comfortable in who I am becoming.
D12 is a night owl like me. We have lots of time together after W goes to bed and she will talk about anything with me now. S9 asked me to come snuggle with him when he went to bed last night. I'll be off mysteriously GALing tomorrow evening, and it will be oh SO relaxing. I love my time out. Where I ever got the idea that I should be staying home with W and kids all the time I'll never know, but I am glad to have disabused myself of that one.
I had a long chat with a friend this morning. He's amazed I've held on this long; said he would be out immediately. I told him it could be much longer, and you don't know how you'll react until you've lived it. He said every man he knew bailed by now, and each one of them now regrets not having the kids in their house each morning. Well there's the motivation right there.
