Barrybran - Yet Another Thread

[ericmsant2]

Barry

I had a go at defining each quality. I did this relatively quickly but I did it when I was calm and relaxed and on my own rather than trying to force answers.

Reliable
- To me, someone who is reliable would be someone I can call upon to help me with things. They may not always be available but I know that when they aren’t, they have a genuine reason and they will endeavour to be available in the future.

Good listener
- I feel a good listener is someone who makes eye contact, doesn’t look around the room and isn’t doing anything distracting such as fiddling with their fingers or playing with their phone. I feel that when someone is listening to you, you have a connection with them.

Good communicator
- A good communicator to me is someone who is clear and concise, polite, uses the appropriate volume and tone of voice for the situation and most importantly, knows what they want to say.

Faithful
- Someone who is faithful, to me, is someone who doesn’t cheat on someone important to them: a spouse, a friend, a family member.

Patient
- I feel someone who is patient is someone who can ride through a lot of nonsense and respond to a situation calmly, articulately, sensitively and fairly.

Trustworthy
- Someone who deserves the trust of another person. They can give their word to someone, is believed and their actions support their words.

Fair
- Someone who weighs up a situation and delivers an outcome that is beneficial to all parties while achieving specific goals.

Loyal
- Someone who is loyal is someone who fights for and defends their friends and family and remains faithful to them.

Calm
- I feel that someone who is calm is someone who does not allow themselves to be easily excited or aroused in a stressful situation and can exercise patience where required.

Do YOUR actions live up to YOUR own descriptions of these qualities? If not, then you’ve found the areas of work that you need to focus on.

I REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY want to improve the communication with my wife.

Remove the reference …..”with my wife” and replace it with “for myself, so that I am a great communicator”.

At the very least we are living in the same house and parents to the same kids.

In the perfect world…I would agree that since you are living in the same house that the communication could improve. Only problem is 1) you are not in the perfect world and 2) until she decides she wants to communicate and improve communicate, you will be doing this solo. Hence, why we keep saying that the changes you need to make are for YOU and YOU alone. Right NOW – YOU are working on you in the hopes that you can some how rekindle the R with your W. She is NOT. TO expect her to communicate, to work on herself and the M is an expectation that will leave you frustrated.

I don't expect her to change but I feel I need to express my frustration to her so she knows where I stand and can make her own decision whether to take my feelings on board or disregard them.

Read what you wrote again…. Here is how I read it…..

I don’t expect her to change…but I am gonna try and somehow convince her to. I will do that by TELLING HER how I feel, what I want HER to do. If she does not listen, I will TELL HER how FUSTRATED I AM WITH HER ACTIONS. Then if she stills says she does not give a chit, I guilt her by telling her she is disregarding my feelings.

STOP trying to talk to HER about YOUR needs.

Your ACTIONS should speak for YOU. And guess what? Nothing you do or say is going to change HER actions UNTIL she decides she wants them to change. That is not to say, that your R has no hope. Nope. Just that I would not have an EXPECTATION that she is going to want to work on the M based on things YOU “tell her” albeit verbally or in writing. Actions Barry.. Actions.

I'm going to start making decisions without her so I know what's going on

This ^^^^ is one of the BEST things I have seen you write!

I'm not spending another 40-50 years in a marriage with poor communication, another 15 years as a co-parent with poor communication or another 3-12 months as a housemate with poor communication, whatever the case may be.

First off, YOU say when it is OVER – not her. Secondly, you just may have to spend another 15 years co-parenting with someone who is a poor communicator. What are you going to do if she never changes? Stop seeing the kids? Seriously Barry, you need to stop looking at HER and start looking ONLY at YOU.

So I see you sent the letter and she responded.

You pushed and she pushed back!

And now that she has pushed back and from where I sit…made things really clear….. Now your angry.

that I have to accept that my wife is so stubborn that she'd rather live with animosity than to get on the same page and make our day-to-day lives easier by fixing our communication.

“I have to accept”….sounds a little victimish if ya ask me. You do not have to accept it Barry. You are choosing to. Own it.

I'm no angel, this process has highlighted that, but it is completely absurd to me that someone is willing to sabotage their own lives under the guise of independence.

“BUT”…so you admit that you are no angel and then discount it by using “but”. It may be absurd to YOU …it is NOT to HER. She is not sabotaging her life..she is living it. When are YOU going to start living YOURS?

Making those things harder by not being willing to try communicating effectively... not ok.

She did communicate Barry. Just not what YOU wanted to hear. And FTR, who defines “effectively”? You? Her?

Bottom line, you and her Barry are in two different places right now. That does not mean you cannot get back on the same path. You may, you may not. Right now though…you need to worry about YOUR path. Right now, YOU need to focus on YOU and the kids. Let her go.

Communication is a two-way street and I expect it to improve

Whew…”expect” it in big bold letters! Wow. I believe that YOU should expect NOTHING from her. You should EXPECT that YOU will do what YOU need to do. You should EXPECT from yourself that YOU will live the traits of the man you choose to be REGARDLESS of what she does. EXPECTING HER to be a part of improving the communication. Hmmmm….let me ask you a question Barry.

How long did she tolerate your chit?

How long did Barry not know how to communicate?

How long did she Barry try and keep the M going?


Barry, you are pissed off. You still want Mrs Barry to do what YOU want. It ain’t happening – at least not now.

So Barry….remember when you got married?


Do you remember those vows?

Look buddy, only YOU can decide what you want to do going forward.

From where I sit you can….

Option 1 – stay pissed off, continue to be a victim, keep looking at her hoping that she just may change and be miserable

Or

Option 2 – focus on yourself, change the chit about yourself that you do not like, have a plan on where YOU are going in your life (with or without your W), try and be the best dad you can be, live life to the fullest.


Me – I’d vote option 1 but then again I am not you.