I don't think she has any credible fear. Unfortunately I take my vows seriously , value keeping my family together, and I still love her. She has told me she knows all this. Not recently of course.
She has told others she knows she could come back if she wanted to. That's not what I wanted to hear that she thought. Made me feel like I had failed my LRT
I don't think she has any credible fear. Unfortunately I take my vows seriously , value keeping my family together, and I still love her. She has told me she knows all this. Not recently of course.
She has told others she knows she could come back if she wanted to. That's not what I wanted to hear that she thought. Made me feel like I had failed my LRT
Then there's your problem. Unless you can credibly add in a "but not at all costs" to that "value keeping my family together" thing, you're going to remain mostly in "Plan B Zone."
So true, that's what my goal is for the next few weeks here. I need to move towards that mentality in my head and with my actions, more importantly. I think if I can overcome the fear of the destruction of my family, because who are we kidding, it's in shambles from that perspective right now anyways, and move myself forward with the expectation that I am going ahead with or without her, I think I will be in a good place.
It doesn't mean you have to break your vows, Dev, nor take the saving of your family less seriously. It's just that there's a HUGE difference between projecting "I'll always be here for you, no matter what" and "I don't want a divorce, and while this isn't the path I would have chosen for me OR the kids, I realize now that we'll be okay regardless of what happens."
Your wife needs to understand that at some point, you are moving on, and that she may be losing you if she wants to continue the path that she's on. She may or may not then turn back, but I can guarantee you that if she DOESN'T credibly fear losing you, she WON'T turn back.
I agree with you. I haven't been giving the "I'll always be here for you, no matter what" But my W does know how much I care. I think it's just a matter of projecting consistent actions that send a consistent message that I don't want this, but I am moving on
I'm not sure what her "realization point" will be, or if it even ever occurs, but at some point, I imagine I will hit one of them, and then I may have some decisions to make on my own, should she decide to end A and try to work on marriage.
Just going to keep working on sending that consistent message of I'm moving on with or without you. She knows the boundaries I have set that would encompass "with her" , Up to her to meet those if we move forward together. Tricky to do
Great question. At first I was seeing her daily. We have since set up a pseudo schedule which gives a bit more regularity to when she will be at the house. Initially, due to concerns for my kids safety, I have been keeping her visits to when I am work, at my house. She didn't really want the kids to spend a lot of time at her house.
This appears to be changing, but her living situation is now up in the air. We are probably both hesitant to introduce the kids to a new house and then have her change homes. Too confusing for my kids.
Whew, I guess the simple answer is yes, I see her probably 4 days out of 7. I try to treat her as a "friendly neighbour" Nothing else, nothing more. Sorry, I often add too much detail, and go on all kinds of tangents
The main reason I was asking is because I've learned that creating some serious space with my H has helped me (immensely) send the message that I might already have one foot out of our "marital door." And it happened rather quickly.
I was saying as recently as last week that H knows he always has a heart to come home to. Now - after a week of going as dark as possible with kids involved - not only do I feel H has to be questioning whether he could lose me ... but I'm questioning whether I'd want him back if he ever decided to come home. And I'm just now getting started!
It's amazing what time without seeing/hearing from them will do. It still hurts, but it helps with perspective.
You're in a crappy situation, though, and probably not as easily able to distance yourself from her for now. The "friendly neighbor" approach is good.
But this?:
Quote:
She has told others she knows she could come back if she wanted to
I know you have it in you to make her question that.
M: 40 H: 44 Married 14 years S11 & D6; D20 & D19 from previous M 2BDs/PAs, 8 years apart Piecing: April 2014
You are so right. When I heard that, and then she told me that as well, it burned me up inside to think that she feels she could just waltz back in to my/her life and our M
That's when I realized I was doing something wrong if my message wasn't being received. More I wasn't sending it, or aligned with what I was doing. I can say anything, but if my actions don't align, it's meaningless.
Going to try and ensure she is aware of where I stand with my actions, and establish some more space
Thanks again Train. Best of luck with your situation. I'll be watching and hoping your reduced contact continues to make you feel better.
