Thanks GM and 77. I am hoping that I find a place of peace soon and can rediscover happiness on some level. Right now, it looks like a place that is about a million miles away from anywhere I have been lately.
When I speak to people, my C, or even you guys here I never paint myself as a hero or the ideal spouse...I talk openly about my faults, not as I saw them - but as SHE saw them...that is hard. To date, she has not reciprocated in the least and has stepped up and owned nothing really. The extent of what she has owned (and I have said this before) is her saying "I ALLOWED you to treat me that way". That's all I have ever gotten back. Her essentially saying she was a victim and not really a contributor.
GM, the fertility thing breaks my heart so much. It just doesn't seem fair that someone can go through all of that just to leave you once you have a baby and then hope to hand that life off to another man on a silver platter. Again - that was the life I was promised. That is my son. OUR son. GM, my memory is dotted with scenes of her in hospital gowns being sedated as we transferred embryos....me bedside and holding her hand to comfort her. Pictures of me giving her shot, after shot, after shot....day in, day out...all in pursuit of our family. That was love. That was love to me...that was intimacy in the most non-traditional of ways. Where did all of those memories go for her? We were strong for each other when we needed it.....and I did my best to support her in any way possible. After all of that, I remember her shouting on BD that "there is no love in this house!". That phrase plays in my head a lot....it burned. I loved her so much. I loved our son so much. I loved our family so much. I just lacked the ways to show it in a meaningful way. I never, ever stopped loving her. And as much as I am humiliated to say it - I don't know if I ever have. If I never loved her, if there was no love in our home -- how could I have fought this hard to save it? Why can't SHE see it that way? Why am I SO BAD in her eyes? Why? Why does she say "we're just incompatible!" over and over again. Why did it take 8 years, marriage and a baby for her to discover that? I'm not blind -- why didn't I see these incompatibilities??
I get angry because looking back on it, she got to make all of the decisions for all of us that will have a long-lasting impact. But now, when it comes to S, she says "we are a team".....I do not feel that way. When I would send her pics and updates of S when I had him, I would always take the time to ask "how was/is your weekend" -- or "did you do anything fun?". In C last week she told me that was "prying into her personal life". Really?? We are a "team" but I can't ask how your weekend was? She also said she was afraid now I know about OM that I would stop sending pictures and updates to her....and she likes them. THAT was her concern....not me, not my feelings in the moment, not S....she was concerned about what SHE was going to get or not get. I felt like I was standing in a pile of rubble and all she could ask about was her pictures of S??
She told me she is moving to a townhouse near her current place on 5/1. I am just waiting for the text or e-mail that says she is moving in with OM (who I think she has known for less than 4 months)....then, of course, she will be pregnant and/or married. All the while, our embryo remains frozen and will never have a chance at life. Why??
