It's hard when she should know after 25 years together that I'm NOT the enemy!
I am going to suggest that you drop shoulda, woulda, coulda...not helpful at all. She truly doesn't view it this way. She's too busy being wrapped up in her own chit to be rational here.
I know now that she doesn't see that because of the MLC but it doesn't stop the hurt seeing this person who you love go through this and blame you knowing all you've done is try as hard as possible to help them feel better.
We know that you have good intentions here. Actually, trying to be helpful or trying to help them "feel better" isn't any of your business. Stay in your own sandbox. Trying to get into W's sandbox will just make her more mad. When you see her be more comfortable around other people who don't really know her or care about her that hurts as well. When she says when she's with me she gets "tired" but not with her new friends, that hurts! When you see this person who is nice to everyone, who tries so hard to BE liked and she is smiling when she says some hurtful thing to you, that's hard.
This is typical MLC behavior. We all wear masks when out in public and when we get back home...drop it at the floor. It is not you. It is very, very tiring trying to put on a show of pretense!
If only the MLC'er could see that what they are going through is a "sickness" (which my W did when she was first depressed)maybe they wouldn't be so quick to blame the very people who love them the most.
They don't. I didn't learn about my MLC until long after I've come on the DB forums and learned what the "formal label" was. Talk about eye-opener for me!
Generally speaking...people tend to lash out at the people closest to them: spouse and family. Why? Because they feel relatively "safe" to let down their guard to do so. I'm sure you've lashed out at W some times during one of your fights. The only difference with MLC is that the lashing out tends to be intensely personal, blameshifting, and filled with rage that tends to be fairly "global." They're trying to bring you down to their level so they feel better about themselves.
One other thing I'd encourage you to do here is visit other threads and post in those that resonate with you. It is a great way to learn more about the MLC journey.
