Thanks Eric. Funny thing is, that's exactly what I was trying to do and I do believe, as you said, she noticed. I didn't start this talk on Saturday, she did. She started it by saying how we need to figure out what we are going to do about our daughters school next year as she has decided that she is going to leave as soon as they are out of school for the summer. She wants us to tell our daughter who is doing great in the school she is in that she can't go to the school that we sent her sister to because as she will have to pay a mortgage, we won't be able to afford it.When I told her I was able to keep both of the girls in private school for years when she wasn't working and I'll be damned if I let this decision on her part stop me from doing all I can to keep her in when we only have a few more years left, she told me that even if I did start making enough I should "..save for retirement" since I'm so much older than her! (She is 47, I'm 52! She has done this a few times now telling me that I'm so much older than she is but were only 4.5 years apart in age!)
Now, this is something, again, that we discussed when she first dropped the bomb. Back then she was saying that our daughter would be "better off" in public school but as time went on, that stopped and she agreed that she is better off at the private school. Now, she is back to the same stuff she was saying back then.
The only positives I can take from the talk were these...I told her that I know that she will be able to take care of herself if she decides to go. She said that I told her that I didn't think she could (again, something I said on B-day when I was shocked and hurt). I now know why she suddenly got cold, left our bedroom and took off her ring (because of something she read that I wrote and read stuff into that I never felt and never would). I stopped myself from trying to say things she would see as trying to "fix" her. When I wanted to say something like that I stopped myself and said "It's not me, it's not our marriage". She even said "That's all you can say? You keep saying that!". When I wanted to say until you work through the real causes and stop trying to blame our marriage and me, you're going to stay stuck in your tunnel!She stated that she see's me GAL'ing and that she feels I will be fine without her. When I asked if she wants me to find someone else, she got quiet, said it freaks her out to think of me with someone else and added in a way that told me she really doesn't feel this way that she does want me to be happy. This is when she said "Maybe once I go you'll find out you are better off and happier without me." At least she see's that she may be part of the problem with our marriage.
She was making progress but whatever it was she read knocked her right back into angry replay and part of me is angry at myself for not being more careful although I know most of what she read into it couldn't have been there as I never thought or felt most of the stuff she said she saw. I really think as the day for her to actually leave gets nearer, I feel like I'm running out of time when part of me knows that she may just NEED to leave before she can ever face the truth as to why she is so "unhappy". Also, again last night she asked me to give her a back rub which tells me she is more relaxed around me probably due to her finally talking to me about the things that were bothering her and hearing me say that isn't the way I feel or ever felt, not really. She also probably thought I wasn't expecting her to leave once summer came and was nervous knowing that she wanted to go and having to tell me.
Yes, I know this is still trying to figure her out and not thinking about me and my life but we don't talk about the R often and it's been many months and I'm really trying to work out just what was said and if not why, what it can tell me about what's coming!
