Thanks for the input. I think I am going to stand my ground on this and just let my ex know that when I have custody, she will need to let me know what is going on and ask my permission before making any plans with the kids.
I am also going to tell her that if she involves the children in the planning before talking to me, then the answer will automatically be No. She needs to talk to me first.
I realize the word "Permission" rubs people the wrong way, but when I have custody, I have authority. I am not giving permission to my exW, I am giving permission to my D. My exW can do anything she wants. My D need my permission because I am the parent in authority.
Thanks for the input. I think I am going to stand my ground on this and just let my ex know that when I have custody, she will need to let me know what is going on and ask my permission before making any plans with the kids.
That would be the approach that I would take.
Another idea, would be to put together a monthly parenting calendar (maybe using MS Excel) that is exchanged monthly. If EITHER of you wanted or needed to change, then it can and should be communicated a month ahead of time.
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
i agree with Eric on having a schedule. x and i keep a yearly schedule. each December(ish) we review and make adjustments as needed. by keeping a full year we can make plans, buy tickets, etc well in advance. any swapping is normally done one day for one day, other times we'll swap weekends. i usually keep a record of what swapping we've done in case we ever need to go back.
i've found that anything that is well documented prevents aggravation from misunderstandings.
"In a ham and eggs breakfast, the hen is involved, but the pig is committed".
We have a firm schedule. The divorce agreement requires it. Every day for the entire year is assigned and agreed to. It even includes firm times and locations for exchanges.
Of course, my X can't be constrained by something as restrictive as a legally binding, fully documented schedule. If it conflicts with her plans, she feels entitled to change it without regard to what I think. Hence the source of the conflict.
I have established a long running precedent of giving in to her demands. When I try to push back, I get threats. I just need to accept the conflict for now, assert my rights and start a new habit.
So, she called on Sat. morning, and talked to D14. D14 gave me a lecture about how I was being unreasonable, mom was going to pay her to babysit and she wanted the money. I told her I made my decision and she was not going. She got moody and stormed off to her room.
My ex then called and lectured me about how unreasonable I was being and demanded that I let her go. I told her no. I made it clear that in the future she needs to discuss these things with me before involving D14, and if she continues to make plans on my days without my input, then the answer will always be no.
Then she threatened me that if I don't let her go, she will make me pay. Specifically, I have had plans for over 6 months to take D14 to the "We will rock you" musical Sunday night. Since that is her night, she will not let D14 go. I said "OK" and she hung up on me.
Sunday night she called to ask when I was dropping off the kids. I told her I wasn't. It was 5:30. The custody agreement states that she needs to pick up the kids @ 5:00 and I had been doing her a favor by dropping the kids off at her work. I told her that she needs to leave work, and come and pick them up. I also told her that she was in violation of the divorce agreement and that if she wasn't there by the time we needed to leave for the show, that I would take D14 with me. She texted back "Just take her".
I just need to accept the conflict for now, assert my rights and start a new habit.
BINGO!
Originally Posted By: RockJC
D14 gave me a lecture about how I was being unreasonable, mom was going to pay her to babysit and she wanted the money. I told her I made my decision and she was not going. She got moody and stormed off to her room.
Man do I feel for ya. IMO, it should always be about what it best for the kiddos. Do not fall into the trap of letting others convince you that you are being a doormat. Remember, flexibility goes both ways.
Originally Posted By: RockJC
Sunday night she called to ask when I was dropping off the kids. I told her I wasn't. It was 5:30. The custody agreement states that she needs to pick up the kids @ 5:00 and I had been doing her a favor by dropping the kids off at her work. I told her that she needs to leave work, and come and pick them up. I also told her that she was in violation of the divorce agreement and that if she wasn't there by the time we needed to leave for the show, that I would take D14 with me. She texted back "Just take her".
Not judging…..was this a little “pay back”? Was it too much for YOU to drop them off? My point is, do not let anger drive your choices. If you really want to take a hard stand, then understand that she will too and unfortunately the only ones who will really suffer are the kiddos. Now I am not suggesting that you always bend over and cave to her demands. No I do not agree with that. I do think though that often, we can allow our frustration with the ex to drive us to the point of wanting to “show them” or “get even”. Once again, I am not judging and I could be way off base here…when I read the above, it “felt” like frustration on your part.
Originally Posted By: JC
My ex then called and lectured me about how unreasonable I was being and demanded that I let her go.
You’re a better man than me. My ex does not call (thank god), if she sends an email that goes on and on, I just ignore it. People will treat you the way you let them. If she is calling and insulting you, I would just hang up.
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
I am just wondering...have you or XW exhibited some flexibility in the past? I cannot imagine having my life set in a strict schedule 1-year ahead. To me, that would be too suffocating and restrictive.
Just because it says so in black and white doesn't means it has to be that way. I get the need to being a man with balls, but being a man with balls also allows some flexibility.
Wonka, I exhibit flexibility every day. It is not reciprocated, and never appreciated.
//was this a little “pay back”?// I don't think so. I didn't feel like being flexible and helping her out while she was doing something for the sole purpose of spiting me. Not letting D14 go to the concert was "payback" for not doing what she wanted.
By the way, I did end up dropping the other 2 kids off at her work on my way to the concert.
Saturday she called and asked if I would keep the kids on Sunday. Again, I was flexible and simply told her OK.
Strangest thing. The last two times my ex called this week she was really nice to me. Tonight she even said "Thank you". It is like a different person. Lets hope this person stays around for a while.
