Another update in the soap opera that is my life it seems these days:
Had a funeral for a young child, my cousin's three year old who battled cancer. It was a big wake up call for myself when he passed, as I realized what was important. My W was at the funeral, as our kids were close, and she has been around the family for a long time obviously. I had to bite my tongue at several instances just to avoid saying anything, as I listened to one mom discuss the loss of a child, while my W sat and listened to the same thing. Kept thinking ironic she has chosen to leave her children. Of course, that's me mind-reading. After the funeral, she came to the house as it was her night to put kids to sleep, broke down in the car as usual, and then was saying sorry to me as she was leaving. She sent a text last night:
"I know today was really tough for you. Thanks for letting me be there with you. Good night"
I cant make anything out of this other than what it said. I saw it later, because I was so busy GAL on the phone. I just replied with a simple thanks for your help. Good night
I am getting tired of these breakdowns, as I feel they are guilt based. I unfortunately take pleasure in watching her breakdown, and letting her suffer through her emotions. I know that sounds horrible, but I can admit it to myself. I feel like she is not in pain from this mess that we created ( I'm taking responsibility for my part in the M failure) Of course, I think it's something I also think to prevent myself from rescuing her each time it happens. I hate seeing her in pain, when I feel there is so much that could be done to fix it.
As I approach 13 weeks since her A was first discovered, I question of course whether anything will change with that situation. Daily, I wrestle with detaching further and creating more separation distance. I am doing LRT, but she still sees the kids, and I truly don't think she feels she has lost me. And then my fear is she doesn't care if she has. I know at this time, she truly believes she doesn't care about me. Scratch that, I don't know how, she feels, only what she says.
I keep hoping that I will get some kind of sign, and I know that the situation is still young. I know it will take a long time, and nothing can happen till she wants to end her affair. I will not be proceeding with any action for a long time, as some things coming up in the fall will help my situation should it proceed to D. I continue to have some fun with GAL. My W asked who was texting me so late the other night when she was leaving the house after looking after the kids on her night. I didn't answer, as I want to maintain some mystery about my current life. But I do fear she no longer cares.
