Sorry folks for the hijack as I feel compelled to address Ye's post to me as it is riddled with faulty assumptions.
You misread or misinterpreted my post completely.
I would say, "W, is there anything you need to tell me?" while you show her those comments. Sit quietly and listen. And do this in a public place like a park...
Now for the meaning of confronting: meet (someone) face to face with hostile or argumentative intent.
So, I didnt misread, I read that very clear.
You did misread my comment big time. The comment/question is to ask for clarification. Nowhere in the comment is the intent to confront. If there intent to confront, someone would have said, "So are you having an affair behind my back??!" See the difference?
Then you can say, "We cannot be friends when there's a third party in this marriage. When you're done with the OM, I'd be open to your efforts at repairing the damage. I'd have to see your actions. Until you've cut ties with the OM, do not contact me at all."
This is a boundary setting. It leaves the choice to W to continue with A or end it. It is how one sets a boundary, Ye.
What about respect her decision of not being with him instead of keep showing her that she did a mistake?
Not the case at all. We have suggested two courses of action to GoFo: simply ask about the comments or ignore them. It is not showing her mistakes. These mistakes are HERS alone. It is all there. If it were me, I would ask "Do you know anything about this?" or "Is there something you would like to say."
I did mistakes when I was young and it took me years to realize they were mistakes even if many people told me they were at that point, this is called self realization and until his W doesn't reaCh that point, every attempt to change that its manipulative and thats the way she will perceive it.
Ye, you are mixing up events and pulling together a mishmash of information that makes no sense. In this particular situation, we are focused on the comments of the book. For sure, GoFo didn't write them! How's that manipulative? It is all in there. Any normal person would ask "what's up with this"
If she wants to be with Go she will eventually and based on his boundaries realize what steps she has to take. A boundary its not to tell, dont get close or talk to me untill you finish affair or contact with other man, a boundary will be to stop doing things that might lead her to think she can cake eat, stop having dinners, sharing personal time together and things like that.
Go back to my comment about boundary setting. I am not sure if you fully grasp how proper boundary setting looks like. On one hand, you call boundary setting "confrontational" and then you come up with that ^^ comment which is proper boundary setting.
As for A, I've been around the boards long enough to know that the vast majority of WASes have OW/OM in the picture. It is not mindreading at all, but comes with DB experience. What I am doing here is preparing GoFo for the real possibility that his W is indeed in an A. It is always best to be prepared than look silly when talking with a WAS, right?
Again, leaving in reality its much better, I have a different opinion about this, you know why? Whats the difference between a WAW with A and one without? None, they both leave you behind so at the end with or without A, Gogofo still separated and this is about helping him to change his toughs not preparing him for the worst...live the present moment and stop thinking about the negatives, once you think them you attract them...
A huge difference! An affair rips apart the LBS' sense of self and breaches one's trust in a very, very hurtful way. I am all for living in the present. But doesn't mean one needs to be in "ignorance is bliss" life. Being aware is being knowledgeable and knowing what one faces ahead.
With GoFo's situation, he has a book with really nasty comments scrawled all over it and WTF is he supposed to do with it???!!
What about nothing? What if the book wasnt written with any comments?? Thats a fear movement to proof him "right" and her "wrong" for having an A or not and her having an A or not doesnt change the fact that today and now she doesnt want to be with Gogofo, him growing spiritually and becoming a man only a fool would leave, that there might make her think about getting back with him.
Doing nothing is one other option...most certainly. The book was WRITTEN with comments. Ye, this is the reality. Not speculating. We're working with what GoFo reports here.
We are advising him of how to approach W in a non-controlling way and ask her about it to get her side of it.
The only person advising that approach its you Wonka, I dont see others neither do I, agreeing with asking or confronting her about this book.
That's the beauty of this forum. We can offer advice and the poster can decide to pursue a certain advice as he/she feels best. Again, it is not "confronting" her as you think here. It's simply asking for her opinion and finding out what that was all about.
There is no point or reason for this and I would like to hear your reasons if you want to share them with me, and whats the expected benefit or outcome of this approach to her in this situation?
Benefits are two fold: 1) gauging W's reactions 2) possibility determining if there's an A. Nothing less, nothing more.
Nothing about A. You see the difference?
As for A, I've been around the boards long enough to know that the vast majority of WASes have OW/OM in the picture. It is not mindreading at all, but comes with DB experience. What I am doing here is preparing GoFo for the real possibility that his W is indeed in an A.
Then you can say, "We cannot be friends when there's a third party in this marriage. When you're done with the OM, I'd be open to your efforts at repairing the damage. I'd have to see your actions. Until you've cut ties with the OM, do not contact me at all."
Wonka I dont think I am misreading you when I see manipulation in your words, english its not my main language, however I understand you completelly when you write down even if first you say one thing and you ended changing that comment with :
Nothing about A. You see the difference?
Are you dense or something? What I am simply offering is a clarification and a handy script in the event that it comes that W is indeed having an affair. It is not manipulating at all. We've offered scripts that is boundary setting in a non-controlling way. You don't get this at all. I've read your threads and you've not really grasped boundary setting nor validating YET. You have a ways to get there.
And:
Wonka Member
Registered: 10/01/04 Posts: 3188
What does ^^^ that have to do with anything?
Edit:
'What did I tell you in an earlier post in your thread, Ye, about this very matter? I said that DBing isn't one size fits all. It DEPENDS on each situation so DBing needs to be adapted and adjusted accordingly.'
Thats your opinion, I accept it, respect it and I understand how you feel about this, however I greatly appreciate if you dont judge my way of giving advice, for you it might not be valid for other it is valid.
Yes, you do have an opinion. But when there's a glaring error in the ways of presenting information or erroneous thoughts, I do bring up some counter points based on DBing experience and some of the tried and true methods in boundary setting.
