Upwards - Moving Fowards, Tiny Positive Steps

[Upwards]

Just be polite, the same way you would treat a stranger. I know this seems a little overboard, but it all adds up to him realizing the R he lost with you and he doesn't get it back by picking up the kids. I would say to do like this when at work, etc. You don't have to show a angry face or anything. You can smile and speak in a friendly tone. But I wouldn't start joking around or throw compliments, etc. I am not sure how you mean positive interaction. In time, you may be able to be a little more friendly, but as long as he is involved with OW while he's M to you, why would you knock yourself out? Am I making sense? If not, I will try to clarify.

I plan to stay NC (just email for work) until he cuts contact with OW anyway so wont see him or speak to him really anyway. I was asking about being "friendly" if/when he cuts contact with her.

As long as you respond through emails about work only, I suppose that beats talking in person or over the phone.

It sounds like you have improved from where you were. I did spot read your thread, trying to catch up so I could respond to you. So, it is good to hear what you say today.

Massively! It may not come across in my posts as I use this place to vent my anger, upset, insecurities etc but on the whole i'm doing REALLY well. I'm happier than i've been in a long time & although my M is over I'm glad in a big way as it's given me to opportunity to do some work on myself and i've grown so much already from this experience. I'm no longer insecure, scared & feeling worthless - I know my worth now, I know that I deserve to be loved & treated right and my confidence is through the roof after loosing 3 stone I'm a new person now, I feel happy with the person that I am and feel like "me" for the first time in a long long time, it feels good!

You said your H was in the gutter when he went to rehab for his drug addiction. In a sense, he has to reach that place with his affair/OW addiction. Sometimes it doesn't have to get to that place, but when it continues as long as your H's has, it may. That is why he has to realize what he's lost and decide if OW is worth it.

I dont know for sure but I think this realisation may have begun to set in as he's told me many times that he knows he has no future with OW and that she's just a friend but he knows there may be a future for us somewhere down the line. Since I exposed it things really cooled down & I suppose the excitement began to fade as it wasnt a secret anymore.

He's also begun to show remorse for what he's done recently & apologised etc where as before that he was acting as though he'd done nothing wrong.

The fact that he's restarted his couselling is a BIG step too as they are "no holds barred" and will tear him apart, they arent like your usual nicey nicey cousellors. They are addiction counsellors, they speak the absolute truth and so he'll have to face up to his behaviors, actions and the consequences. He's been saying he's going to go for months but has finally done it so its a step in the right direction.

Well, I will say this.........where there's will there's a way. KWIM? Pay as you go cell phones, start a new email account, etc. But the red flag I see is him putting a deadline of a month on this supposedly no contact with OW. That just speaks to me that he is not serious enough.

I probably didnt explain it very well in my original post - he said he's cutting contact "until we know what is going on in our marriage" and when I asked how long he expected this to be he said about a month, I said that I didnt think a month was very long and he said "i'm not putting a time limit on it, i'm just going to take it step by step and see what happens, thats all I can do".

When you say he admitted certain things about his feelings growing, etc. I think of the word "admitted" as an answer given when one is prompted or questioned. To me, it's not quite the same as when it is volunteered information. Were you asking him these things?

No I say admitted because I could tell his feelings were changing because of his actions & attitude towards me but I didnt say anything & he just made small hints like "I've really enjoyed your company this weekend" and "my feelings are beginning to change" and I just left him to it & didnt question.

A couple of days later he called me to tell me that he was beginning to get his feelings back for me & that the future seemed much more positive for us etc then he majorly panicked and backed off (by his own admission) - after this convo I went NC because of OW as I didnt want to get pulled in whilst he was in contact with her.

He needs to make his decision based on what is the right thing to do, and not just on his feelings. But I don't think you are in a position where you can tell him. I am just trying to explain to you. Plus, if he thinks he is doing exactly what you have asked of him........then he will believe he's done his part. But ending contact is simply the first step.

He said he's doing this because its what is right & he knows its the right thing to do for HIM, I've stressed to him that I DONT want him to do it because i've asked him it needs to be because HE has decided to do it.

If it takes time for him to process things in his life, you can certainly hope that some time away from OW is better than no time at all. It just doesn't solve his problem until he decides to permanently end it.

He's the type of person who has to experience it to see if its the right thing. I am tempted to ask him if he plans on ending the contact permanently if things between us go well or just to leave it?

And back to the subject of how friendly you should be........since he believes he is doing what you have asked, you can use this time to be more pleasant and friendly towards him. But if he doesn't end things with OW after the month is up, then I would certainly limit my friendliness.

Yes thats my plan, i'll go dark as I really dont want to be around him whilst her or any other OW is in his life.

Have you considered selling out your share of the business? If you end up getting D, it could be very uncomfortable.

Yes i've considered it however its a fairly new business & will be worth a lot more in a few years so i'm reluctant to walk away yet - we have discussed it & I could just become a silent partner until i was ready to sell.