Barrybran - Yet Another Thread

[Barrybran]

Scratch that request. The car was ready so I went to collect my wife's bank card and collected the car for her. She asked about the service and the cost, which was paid for with her new credit card. She said she told me last week that she wasn't able to afford the service and I responded that I had not been asked to pay for the service (I only offered to do so). I kept it short and left.

I feel very strongly that communication between my wife and I needs to be addressed. I can see it becoming a boundary at some point, perhaps even leading one of us to frustration and moving out. I sincerely hope she chooses to discuss the issue as I'm not prepared to live with a WAS who hates me and does not want to communicate with me about the kids and day-to-day things. If that's what's going to happen, I'm going to start making decisions without her so I know what's going on and I don't think that is fair or necessary. Anyway, I sent her this:

Hi

I feel that we’re misunderstanding each other quite a bit and I’d like to address it. Regardless of our relationship status, we share the same house and kids and we have to communicate. I am working hard at listening and communicating and I will make mistakes from time to time. I feel confused by some situations between us though.

When you went to the dentist you said you needed my help and that you’d pay me back. You were explicit in your request for assistance and I was ready to help even though you didn’t need it in the end. I felt confident that I understood you and was in a position to help you out.

A couple of weeks ago you told me that the car rego was due. I asked if you would like me to book the car in and you said yes. I understood this clearly, booked the car in and wrote the date down for you. You did say that you worried about not being able to afford it and I did say that I had enough money to cover it if you needed it and not to stress about it.

As the week passed, you received your wages and a new credit card in the mail. No mention was made of needing money for the car service. As we are handling our own finances, I believed you had it covered and my money was available for any use, which I used to add to savings, buy food and a home gym that will be arriving next week. Since you expressed that you would have trouble paying for the service, I understand that you felt you could rely on me to cover the cost and I am sorry that I wasn’t able to do so. I felt confused this morning when you said you thought I was paying for the service as I wasn’t explicitly asked to do so and keeping that money aside would have been no more than an assumption of your needs.

I would like to know your feelings on the above situation. As I mentioned, we communicate regularly and I would like that communication to be productive for both of us. In the meantime, I will transfer money back from my savings account so it is available for the green slip and registration if you need it.

Not exactly DBing but as I said, I'm not spending another 40-50 years in a marriage with poor communication, another 15 years as a co-parent with poor communication or another 3-12 months as a housemate with poor communication, whatever the case may be.

Please feel free to critique this as I would love to learn how to communicate with my wife better.