Road to happiness....Part 2

[ye21]

I guess I will vent here and take all this out of my chest besides the fact that I feel I am always acting as a victim, I am in my limits and I have no idea what else to do, I try and I just cant do it I dont know why.

Today I was working and at the end of the shift....surprise test, due to all the bills I have to pay I got an anxiety attack and failed a few questions, the manager who so far I noticed all she does its giving me attitude and not respecting me, told me that they are very concerned about my menu knowledge, which its great in front of the customers but once managers ask me I freak out and I forget amall details.

I am in panic and I just dont know what else to do, all this is just way too big for me.
I was a very confident person 4 years and a half ago and this relationship while its seems gave a lot of confidence to my W, has completelly destroyed my one, I know I did things wrong but I know that my W never told me what I was doing wrong, she just told me when she decided to leave me, everytime I asked her, is everything ok? She will always say, yes its ok, I am tired and exhausted of blaming myself for all this, how could I see what it was wrong if my W never complained or simply talked to me? I never had a conversation about problems, all that I hear was, go to therapy because it seems you get affected when you loose a job, and now I keep thinking I am not normal when I loose a job, I am not normal for suffering that she abandoned me, yes I didnt went to her play because I felt insecure, but also its true she never talked to me about the play or her career, she simply didnt want to share those things with me!!

And all this bs its destroying me, I am in a deep hole for the last 4 months almost and cant get out of it, all I am thinking today its if its worth it to live anymore, in therapy that time she told me the last year she was with me because she felt sorry for me it was a huge surprise, when she said she could not forget that I didnt went to her play... For 1 entire year she couldnt told me once how much that affected her, I had to trust her....a person that never freaking communicated with me, a roomate, how could I improve things then?
Its funny how she told me I always acussed her of being wrong...yes I did, when I told her it wasnt nice she hide our relationship to her mom because they felt ambarrased I wasnt albanian, how we got married in court because her family wasnt gonna come to the wedding, how everytime I visited her family they will make fun of me in albanian and always talk in albanian in front of me despite the fact that I dont know a word, my life was hard, I lost my father and I was illegal here so I could not go to his burial, I told my W to put together the 2 of us a saving plan and she will always say in a hars tone: I dont want to talk about that.

She never paid the car insurance, because it was "my car" I never receive ramdom gifts from her, never had a pic of both of us in her facebook, never receive any complements unless I askd her to tell me something nice, I am sorry but I cant put this person as the nice one, I was numerous times verbally abussed by her, and yes there are different ways to do things, yes I didnt made enough money for the first 2 years together but I was illegal and couldnt make no more at that time, I was hold to a big standard and it had an expiration date.... Make enough money or I leave you as I can see now, I never told her that, she didnt made more money to be happier with me, she did it to be an actress, thats why she got so resentfull when I propose her to do a savings plan together or to start thinking to buy a house, she just wouldnt like to put a bigger part from her money...
I cant no more, I am exhausted, depressed and this keeps comming back, I havent received yet the D papers and all this freaking D that she wants all that it has done its costed me money, sold my car for nothing, she hasnt paid the conedison bill, she hasnt paid the insurance, she cancelled me all my services at home so I had to pay deposits to restore them, and I cant keep up, now I might even loose again the job, and I dont even freaking now what am I doing so wrong, my fking mind let me down with that anxiety attack today and I am sure thats it, they will probably fire me this week.

I just want to know what can I do to get out of this, because up till this moment I dont want to live anymore, I cant keep falling that much I just cant, I putted such an effort in going to work and not get upset with the disrespectfull comments about my accent and things like that, I never responded back , I took the cooments and didnt let my ego respond, but the true is that I need a little, a little light that helps me get out of this, I dont see any hope and I try to build it, I need help in a way I can leave all this.

I feel like the worst person in the world for the mistakes I did, I mean seriously? My family in law didnt ever called me to see how I was doing, when I called 2 weeks ago my mother in law to talk to my W and tell her to not give me problems with the greencard, she seemed scared!!! And never called me back?? Wtf??

I just dont know nothing!! Rghhhh I hate my life and everything so much right now, I just cant get myself out of this, wtf am I doing so wrong???