Upwards - Moving Fowards, Tiny Positive Steps

[Upwards]

Hi Sandi, thank you so much for your input - I want the truth so thanks for that. I've tried to answer as much as I can below.

I am going to tell you what I have seen work the best, okay? You completely drop him. I know, you told him you've set him free, etc. But you really have not dropped him. B/c when you drop a man, you have NOTHING to do with him. plus, you don't bother to tell him anything. You just do it, and let him figure it out.

Have no contact with him! I saw where you would say you had not had contact with him for a few days......except through emails. But that is contacting! Texting, messaging, voice messages, ect., are still communication.

The emails are work only, he does add personal to me but I never reply and keep it to business - I ignore his texts & calls and eventually he will email or voicemail if urgent. I don't contact him, he always contacts me and I either ignore or call back later. We cant have no contact long term because of the business, its impossible long term which is why we've been using email every few days to liase and even that cant go on much longer as I need to be at work to carry out some tasks.

By dropping him, you will discover how dependent on him you were. Learn to take care of you and the kids independent of him. He still should financially support his kids, but I mean in the day to day care of them, when he isn't scheduled to be with them. For example, when your son was feeling poorly. Why did your H have to be there at the house? Could you not take the child to the doctor by yourself?

I rely on my H for nothing anymore, I do not have any help from him except for the days when its arranged that he has the kids in his care. Other than that I do everything myself & have for the best part of 8 months whilst he was in rehab etc. I used to rely on him heavily but after kicking him out I didnt have a choice but to do it all myself (he was in the gutter!) and from that i've grown in so many ways, as a mother and as a person - I am confident in my abilites to bring up my kids on my own and certainly dont NEED him, although I do WANT him around.

My H had to come down a few nights ago because our daughter was in bed asleep, it was 11pm and it would have meant me getting her out of bed and taking both kids to the doctors with me - it just wasn't practical & its only on rare occasions like that where I will ask for his help otherwise I do it on my own and am used to doing that.

I dont feel as though I do rely on him anymore, he's not been around to depend on but maybe i'm wrong.

I am not trying to be snarky here, b/c I honestly don't think a LBS sees themselves making excuses to contact the WAS.

I admit I did used to do this up until a few months ago, i'd find an excuse to call him or see him but I dont do that now and make a point of not doing that (even when its really difficult and i'm struggling).

This is complete BS! Yes, it is pointless! He told you once before how he told OW he was ending contact out of respect for you. He doesn't respect you. I hope you see it. And furthermore, he won't go a month without some type of contact with OW......b/c he is addicted to the thrill of the A. You can read about how it woks if you google it.

Last time he told me he was cutting contact I was pressuring him, I cornered him & gave him no choice (I regret this now) and he said that he didnt want to just go behind my back and wanted to do it when HE was ready and not because I was telling him to so he's been "processing" it over the past few weeks and spoken to his counsellor etc.

I haven't mentioned it since, he came to me this morning and told me he hes ready to cut contact and will show me the proof I need - when I asked if this was permanent he said "its to see how things go & to allow me to see what I want, I know its the only way forwards for me to see how I really feel".

He's said I can have full access to his phone records, email, facebook and he will block her number so that she cant call him - its exactly what I asked him to do?

When he reduced contact with her right down his actions towards me completely changed and he started to show me respect, saw me as a person with hopes & dreams, showed compassion and actually seemed to care about me and my feelings again - he admitted that his feelings for me were beginning to grow and he admitted that the future for us seemed much more positive. I then cut contact with him because I refused to be in his life whilst the OW was. I was hoping the next few weeks along with his IC and my own work & DB that it might be positive for us - am I wrong?

Look like a million bucks, act as if you are on top of the world, and.......act as if you have a little secret that is making you very pleased. You are totally disinterested in him or what he decides to do. You have decided to be happy with your life.

Exactly what i've been doing when we've had contact, I've been "acting as if" i'm happy, enjoying life, not bothered about him or our M, moving forwards without him etc etc.
I'm not sure but my behaviour over the past month has sparked his interest enough to make him assess his own situation and how he needs to move forwards, could be a coincidence and may not, I dont know.

If he thinks he can't play you any longer, he will get serious about wanting you back. If he believes he has lost the best thing that ever happened in his life, he will get serious.

Me toughening up and sticking with the NC (I know it wasnt a long period but in our situation its long if that makes sense!) and me showing him that i'm absolutely serious about staying NC for the foreseeable future seems to have given him a kick up the ass, he's actually taken steps to see his counsellor again and deal with his "fears" etc. I know its only small steps but they're certainly steps and before this past few weeks he was just burying his head in the sand.

Oh, and for goodness sake.......don't be his friend. That is the same as serving them cake to eat.

So no positive interactions or anything like that? I don't mean like BFF's I just mean "friendly" when dropping/collecting the kids etc.

When I say this takes time, I am not talking just a few months. But if you stand a shot at busting a D, this is the way you need to go.

I'm really not sure I can do this for months, its been going on 8 months. I suppose i'll know when i've had enough.