Redefining Hope and Success

[juliegayle]

A few days ago I let h know I saw the texts. I apologized for looking at phone but said it was all out in the open now could we just be honest. He still denied everything and said I was delusional. Then in the next breath he asked why I even cared what he did as we had both agreed we were married on paper only. (Don't remember that convo. Last time I said we were separated he said we were not).

Then very sarcastically he asked if I still loved him. If I still wanted to get back together. I said that I did not like the person he was now but "breaking up" had been his decision and I had always been in favor of working to preserve the family. That just pi$$ed him off.

That night when I got home from work there were 2 flowers from my birthday bouquet laid on my pullow. He was drunk so who knows what that was about.

Now everthing is the same as it was pre text discovery. Civilitu and small talk. Last night we were talking about buying a new lawn mower??

Here is the thing. I don't feel anything. Is that good or bad? Am I detached or is it some sort of defense mechanism? Have I built a life that I am happy worth that really doesn't include h or am I going along with his game to hold on to m just a little bit longer? I really don't know.

I am going to finally see an L so I have a better understanding of what is going to happen. (H had already been through this once but it is all new to me) I have an amazing friend who gave me a consultation as a bday gift.

[labug]

Yay on the L.

I can't say what you not feeling anything means. What do you think it means?

As far as him, you aren't going to get a straight answer, he says whatever works at the time.

((( )))

[ye21]

Here is the thing. I don't feel anything. Is that good or bad? Am I detached or is it some sort of defense mechanism? Have I built a life that I am happy worth that really doesn't include h or am I going along with his game to hold on to m just a little bit longer? I really don't know.

I will say so, once we suffer a big amount of pain our body reacts just like that, by shutting down those systems that could get hurt again.

The human brain its complex, and we normally get what we think..
You want to see something? Check this documentary
http://www.dolphinboyfilm.com

[juliegayle]

I Have no Idea really. Things he does make me frustrated but I look at him and feel indifference. Seeing those texts hurt in the moment. Hurt my pride the most. When I think about him being "in love" with someone else I think it should hurt but it really doesn't.

Maybe I am over him but it seems like too soon. That's why I think this is a defense mechanism and the feelings are going to catch up with me. Maybe I am obviously over thinking.

I did a loving kindness meditation last night. I pictured s for someone who gives me loving kindness and h for someone I wanted to send loving kindness to. I think that was the first time I understood the term lovingly detach.

[Bunches]

I read recently in a book called "How to get past, what you'll never get over" that we become emotionally callused alot like skin. I think your emotional indifference is probably just your mind learning to protect itself from regularly being hurt.

[labug]

I did a loving kindness meditation last night. I pictured s for someone who gives me loving kindness and h for someone I wanted to send loving kindness to. I think that was the first time I understood the term lovingly detach.

Julie, that;s taking care of you! I'm so happy for you.

I don't think there's much to be gained by dwelling on your feelings or lack of, right now. We know those things change over time, like the tides.

Enjoy the serenity of now.

[AnotherStander]

He still denied everything and said I was delusional.

WAS's hate getting outed on being adulterers. His reaction was predictable.

Here is the thing. I don't feel anything. Is that good or bad? Am I detached or is it some sort of defense mechanism?

Not really detachment. Detachment doesn't mean you don't feel anything, it just means you don't let their roller coaster of emotions affect your own PMA. Instead of "detachment" it should be called "loving detachment" because that describes it a little better. People think detachment is shutting down on them but that's not it at all. It's hard to say what you're experiencing, you might just be temporarily numb or it may be some kind of coping mechanism. Like most of your feelings you shouldn't try to define it as good or bad, it just "is".

I am going to finally see an L so I have a better understanding of what is going to happen.

Great! This is for you, you don't have to tell H. In fact it's probably a good idea not to as it will likely just make him angry.

[juliegayle]

Thanks for all the input. The mind is an amazing thing and mine knew I needed a few days respite to prepare for tonight.

S had a huge tantrum after we had to do 2 days worth of homework because h didn't do it again on his night. He ended up breaking the window in his bedroom and shattering my phone against the wall all The time screaming for his dad.

At the same time h's puppy got out of the house 2x.

I called h and told him his dog needed a long walk which I cannot do with s. I also told him h was really missing him. I asked if he could come home after work and spend a little time with s while I got phone taken care of. (Big mistake)

He said he would think about it. Went on about why can't I handle it myself. Then texted and said no he wouldn't come.

Didn't really expect him to. Just frustrated. Going to meditate now.

[juliegayle]

2 nights ago h and I had the biggest blow out possibly ever. I let myself be baited into saying things about OW. At this point I just want this to be over.

I am going to journal the incident here to see it more clearly.

Things have been tense for last few days since I confronted him about texts and he continues to lie and is now saying I am a bad parent because I couldn't handle s tantrum.

So ss15 got in trouble for abusing his technology rights and doing some really stupid things. His mom (xw1) and h had talks with him and h said he would like me to as well.

He apparently didn't like how I was handling it and barged in the middle yelling at ss15 about integrity honesty trust and how he feels so lied to and how he doesn't think ss15 will ever be able to gain his trust again. Ss15 then runs out of house.

H then turns on me saying it doesn't matter what I say to ss15 because I am nothing to them and he and ss18 will completely forget about me. He then throws in an enigmatic comment about how my mom and sister are going to forget about s.

I ignore all that but couldn't keep my mouth shut about how he is the last person who should be kecturing anyone on trust and honesty. Full denial mode, I'mI'm crazy yada yada... here is where I say to much. I said maybe she deserves him because anyone who knowingly gets involved with married man months before he even tells his wife he is unhappy obviously has questionable morals. I also said stuff about lack of self respect no self esteem etc.

Here is the crazy part. He reveals I am on speaker phone and ow is listening. I say why should I care what she thinks of me and it is pretty cruel of him to do that to her. He keeps her on speaker while we argue about going after ss15. I want to go find him because it is late, he is upset and doesn't have a phone. He says I can't go because sd15 needs to suffer. (I went to find him anyway)

Crazy. .. and today is ss18 bday and we are all going to lunch.

I really think I am done.

[juliegayle]

I know I never should have said anything about ow but yelling at a kid about honesty when he has been lying through his teeth for so long was really the point of no return for me.

I had to reschedule appt with l because my supervisor was visiting that day but when I go I think the convo will be more geared to next steps I should be taking to end this.