Sad times

[MamaB]

Yes Upwards, that is so true about getting through it. I know I need to feel it and move through it, to get to the other side.

This past week and a half or so has been relatively good. I had some company from out of town. My cousin and her daughter came to look at a college in the area. It was a great dristaction for me and I really do see the benifits of GALing. A few hurdles I crossed were that I told her about the D. I have not told any of my cousins from that side and I had some fear about this. They are pretty close to H in that we have family reunions together. My cousin was supportive and sad for the my kids. She was also sympathetic to my H because she believed he was making a big mistake. I still have to tell the rest of that side, but it is a start.

I feel a shift in how I feel, even my IC noticed this week. I'm still struggling with the fact that my H asked for D, filed two weeks later without telling me, moved to another state and is basically leaving me to raise our children with no income. But, I'm starting to accept my new reality and I'm starting to work through my anger. I really don't think he understands what this is going to do to our girls, he still has not been able to tell them.

My STBXH alzo worked so hard this past year to disingage and withdraw from me and know he aks more like my old H. I realize this must be from relief and lack of pressure (mindreading) but it is hard for me. I need to withdraw now to protect myself. I just can't talk to H about anything other then kids or money because of the way I feel afterwards. I am better able to detach when there is no contact. He only contacts me know about kids and money and I try to respond only when I need to. I used to feel bad about this because I tbought I was coming across as punitive, but now I don't feel bad because I know I'm just protecting myself.

I'm ready for him to move all his stuff out of the house, I'm ready to move if I have to. I want to start living my reality. I still wish my H would come back and try for a new R, but the truth is, he is in no way ready for that, and I feel (right now) that he will never be ready for that.

As far as the D goes, our lawyers exchange information next week, and now the negotiations start. It may get ugly as I will fight for everything I can to provide for my kids. I hope not, but by all indications it may be a battle.

Sorry so long, I should probably post shorter posts more often. Thank you to anyone who reads, I feel better knowing there are others going through it and perhaps relating to my situation.