Thank you for replying. After I calmed down my W came in our bedroom(never does this with me there except for a few sec. ) and lie down next to me to watch a movie I was watching. After it was over she lay as close to me as possible and did the same thing she always has done if she wanted a back rub. I turned toward her put my hand on her back and said "All I've ever done is try to be the best husband I could. I'm sorry you're so unhappy" and rubbed her back. She said "you don't have to change for me". Talk about a non-sequtor! Here she hasn't touched me or let me touch her for months, she says all those awfull things and now does this? I do think you're right, she is crazy.
That doesn't help when I know she is leaving in a very few weeks now. Doesn't care about whether the kids stay with her and I really don't think they will. Fits her new life style better! The crap about the 20 years ago stuff is the worst. It's like she was hanging her hat on that. And when I said I've stood by her during some bad times SHE was going thru because I took my vows seriously, just like she said she did and always would, she tells me she did too. What the heck is the past tense? God, I see how crazy she is. I feel compassion for her pain but at the same time here is a 47 year old woman with degree and a high level job in the medical field and she can say and do things like she does and feels "empowered" doing them. If she were just all around bat-@&"$ crazy that would be easier to take. Instead she singles out the people closest to her, the people who she should be the most grateful to have in her life and blame us for everything that ever went wrong, every bad decision THEY made is now somehow YOUR fault. The things that were most important no longer matter (like saying "We all hurt our kids, they'll get over it") and they can't see how they would have been appalled if someone they knew said the things they do or did the things they're doing just a year ago!
Why can't they see they are a walking joke and we, the people who loved them and took care of them and shared ourselves with them are the punch line. Everyone sees it. The weight loss, the clothes, the hanging out with people much younger and doing stupid things like get too drunk to drive home when she went to her bosses friends batchaloette party. All the others there were 20 years younger than her and she gets so wasted they have to take her back to their rental early and she thinks she made "new friends" when they were probably laughing at the old lady who can't hold her alcohol! Like everyone at her work telling her she was acting so crazy that they thought she was drinking at her company X-mass party and she was PROUD of herself because she was noticed!
Why does she want so badly to be alone and in control and yet refuses to do anything NOW that might give her some sense of control (like take over paying the bills because she can't understand where all our money goes). When I asked her why she waited until the company I worked for for 10 years went out of business and after we talked about it decided TOGETHER that I would start a new business but it would take a long time to make money. Lied to me saying she had NO THOUGHTS of leaving her marriage and let me get a vasectomy. She said because I kept asking her why she wouldn't do things together, why she was acting like she was towards me and I kept telling her I wanted us to have a better marriage and she wasn't going to lie to me. I asked and she was going to tell me truthfully how she felt. The problem is if she felt that way why lie and let me get an operation I didn't want and never would have if she had been truthful. To that I got the old "I changed my mind and I can't help that"! People don't just change their minds in 12 weeks time about things as important as that! How can't she see now crazy that sounds!
Until now she like me didn't believe in divorce. When I asked her about that she said "We always made exceptions like abuse or drug use so it wasn't totally out of the picture". I guess now I know why she keeps bringing up 20 years ago. Yes, when I was depressed and stupid and a different person 20 years ago, I messed up. Since than I have done nothing and have never once done it again. After my first child I changed even more and the thought of doing something like that is so far out of my character. But it allows her to rationalize her doing this. It allows her to say she isn't doing something she swore she would never do if she can somehow use something that happened so long ago as justification for her actions.
The thing is this was what she was saying when all this started. When we talked and I pointed out that there was no reason for her to think I would ever do something like that again, she dropped that as a reason and started saying something else. We went through weeks of her saying it was because of this or that and when none of those gels water it became how she doesn't love me the right way and she needs to find her joy. Why is she back saying this crap that she stopped saying 9 months ago! Is this part of the stages? Is there a stage where they go back to old reasons that appeared to have been gotten past ages ago? How do you expect to ever make anything better when issues you thought we were past, that they themselves said make no sense and really weren't the real reasons come rearing back again?
