Spouse tried I didn't, now opposite

[unbidden]

WT, what made you change from thinking that you were through to valuing your W so much now? What happened?

[whytry]

BF. Best I can tell is she quit coming to this forum on V-day after we fought because I lied about present not being delivered. I had done that before and it was a shame reflex. Who wants to acknowledge their failure, even to your devoted spouse. Not that it would have made a difference but that day my reflex was to be mean to hide my shame. Thanks for reading my story. It helps me to vent and I hope typing from my phone (making mistakes) doesn't annoy everybody.

Our children now bring me joy that i can not describe but I feel my heart fill with love, affection, and pride every day. My W doesn't let me talk of us, but any conversation gives me butterflies and makes me feel like I have no description for it. All I can say is it takes all my mental faculties to not show emotion so she won't ridicule me.

Probably bad idea but I couldn't resist. Last night while she was getting her mud run stuff in order, I took her car (with her permission) and filled it up. i couldn't stop there. I washed and squeegeed every window. Bought her her favorite vitamin water so she could have on way. This morning before she woke up, I started fresh pot of coffee, got out a coffee mug and a travel coffee mug, laid out her normal breakfast (cream cheese and sunflower seeds), packed vitamin water with ice to keep cold, got out bag for her muddy clothes so she wouldn't forget one. Later told her to have fun and be careful before she left.

Went back to sleep then did the baseball thing with kids all day while she was gone. After we got home, put her muddy clothes in wash, cleaned up her run number (she keeps from runs), and got her a glass of wine to relax, then listened to her for the few minutes describing her day. Left her to rest and relax.

I tell you this because of the book I'm reading which has a chapter on being happy in service and what she has always said I was good at. She says I've always helped others with stuff but never did anything for our family. She's right of course. I have actually found peace in doing laundry, washing dishes, cooking cleaning, etc. It's my personal time and it allows me to think a lot. Our children have gotten very involved helping as well (not sure why yet). I know I'm ashamed of how bad I am at the above chores and it frustrates me that it doesn't always turn out as good, but the frustration is purely internal. I voice it hoping I can continue to learn and so I can just vent. Wish it was easier to explain the personal value I feel from doing things. It's so out of character for me it's confusing me. Maybe I just need to feel that I do have some value at all even if it's not value as a H. I don't know.

[whytry]

Oh unbidden, I do not posses the vocabulary to define. Nothing but her true love and patience when I was losing my mind could have possibly made my heart, mind, and soul wake up. i carried so much internal anger and shame. I pretended I couldn't trust her, that she was against me, that I was better off without her. And that I needed to confide in someone else (entrance EA). Truthfully, I've always had the financial ability to leave, but my heart knew it wanted to stay. There was no one action or detail. It was all the years of her love and affection that finally let my heart say "enough is enough". She's always was there for me, but it took me a while of growing until the "light switch" came on and my heart, mind, and soul converged into one amazing and beautiful goal. God touched my heart (I had strayed long ago), my vision cleared to see the beauty she brings to the world, our children touched my heart one day that I still can't explain, and all I feel is emotional happiness seeing her happy. I found my happiness; time with kids, chores that make me feel personal value, my job promotion, and reading. Letting go of my personal hatred and shame allowed me the chance to feel again. Maybe that was the catalyst? I do know I don't carry the weight anymore and if our love/M is forever gone, then I will always be the God fearing father and man I was supposed to be. If only you could see inside my head and heart. It's unexplainable and only time will show my sincerity and true intentions. All I can do now is pray, stay the course, and hope for the best.

[unbidden]

Wow, WT, I am stunned by your response. Truly an incredible transformation

[whytry]

Unbidden thanks for the vote of confidence it's encouraging to hear. It may be too late, but either way our sons will have a father they can look up to and be proud of and our daughter will see how a woman should be praised and appreciated.

[whytry]

I get so frustrated at times! W gone all day doing a favorite activity. I take care of kids, kids and I pick up house, I do laundry hers from mud run, kids, and mine, I feed our children, and put away dishes. She starts several conversations and I participate for what is required. Last conversation of another obstacle course type of activity she wants to do, I say they're isn't any reason we can't afford it, and she blatantly points out there is no us so don't worry about it. If I'm not supposed to worry about it or help her afford the activity why even mention or discuss cost with me? Why talk to me at all (her initiation) if she has me so written off? Why always point out she can't afford to leave, but "believes" she will never be able to feel like our house is hers again? Then grab another glass of wine and trot off to daughters room for bed. And above is not complaining (although now rereading sounds like it)about doing the necessary chores, its about why would she be so cold. it's not like she came home to a lot of taxing housework and is too tired and mad at me about it. I like seeing her able to relax and enjoy what she does. Why does she seem resentful about everything I do and then runs off to go hide after ridiculing me over a comment? Does any of this make sense?

[MrBond]

You know all I see is someone making alot of excuses. You never read the books yet did you? If you did, you would understand that what you've been doing is wrong.

She wanted to talk to you. That was it. She doesn't want you to solve her problems. She wants to just get things off her chest. You just need to be there to listen.

AND you need to make time to read the books. Stop asking questions from those who have and who have done the work. That's unfair. You just want a quick solution. Do you honestly think that you are the only one with a busy life? We all do. Yet we found time to read and study. If you want to save your M, you have to do the work and not let others do it for you.

[whytry]

MrBond please don't take my comments as lack of studying. I took books like Sandi2 mentioned and take around with me (like in between baseball games today) rather than trying to squeeze time in when W isn't around and have before. Just venting and you are 100% correct that some of what I've already read does answer what I'm thinking about out loud. I also have gone through the links provided in the newbie section and printed off comments so when i get a couple minutes at work I have some readily available.

I do still struggle with conversations because I'm so unsure of myself. Less is more and I know I have to do better. Thank you for the time you and others spend helping. I'll try to limit my venting sessions

[MrBond]

Venting is okay but my question would be why are you on a Divorcebusting book when you won't read the books? And yet you do the things that are opposite of DB and yet you get frustrated with the results you get. And you come on here and ask for help why, when in fact the answers are in the book.

[whytry]

I think I need to write more clearly . My frustration is more of a personal issue of me "slipping" knowing I messed up by not following plan, not really a W problem. Honestly, she's very intelligent and I'm sure she could use her DB experience in a very challenging manner to keep me off balance if she chose.

Yes it involves me losing thought process of what to do and not to do. The venting out loud is my re running the scenario and where I go wrong and what my thoughts are. Part of my downfall is the personal value and satisfaction i enjoy from helping all the time. It's a very new experience for me.