Spouse tried I didn't, now opposite

[whytry]

Oh unbidden, I do not posses the vocabulary to define. Nothing but her true love and patience when I was losing my mind could have possibly made my heart, mind, and soul wake up. i carried so much internal anger and shame. I pretended I couldn't trust her, that she was against me, that I was better off without her. And that I needed to confide in someone else (entrance EA). Truthfully, I've always had the financial ability to leave, but my heart knew it wanted to stay. There was no one action or detail. It was all the years of her love and affection that finally let my heart say "enough is enough". She's always was there for me, but it took me a while of growing until the "light switch" came on and my heart, mind, and soul converged into one amazing and beautiful goal. God touched my heart (I had strayed long ago), my vision cleared to see the beauty she brings to the world, our children touched my heart one day that I still can't explain, and all I feel is emotional happiness seeing her happy. I found my happiness; time with kids, chores that make me feel personal value, my job promotion, and reading. Letting go of my personal hatred and shame allowed me the chance to feel again. Maybe that was the catalyst? I do know I don't carry the weight anymore and if our love/M is forever gone, then I will always be the God fearing father and man I was supposed to be. If only you could see inside my head and heart. It's unexplainable and only time will show my sincerity and true intentions. All I can do now is pray, stay the course, and hope for the best.