Spouse tried I didn't, now opposite

[whytry]

BF. Best I can tell is she quit coming to this forum on V-day after we fought because I lied about present not being delivered. I had done that before and it was a shame reflex. Who wants to acknowledge their failure, even to your devoted spouse. Not that it would have made a difference but that day my reflex was to be mean to hide my shame. Thanks for reading my story. It helps me to vent and I hope typing from my phone (making mistakes) doesn't annoy everybody.

Our children now bring me joy that i can not describe but I feel my heart fill with love, affection, and pride every day. My W doesn't let me talk of us, but any conversation gives me butterflies and makes me feel like I have no description for it. All I can say is it takes all my mental faculties to not show emotion so she won't ridicule me.

Probably bad idea but I couldn't resist. Last night while she was getting her mud run stuff in order, I took her car (with her permission) and filled it up. i couldn't stop there. I washed and squeegeed every window. Bought her her favorite vitamin water so she could have on way. This morning before she woke up, I started fresh pot of coffee, got out a coffee mug and a travel coffee mug, laid out her normal breakfast (cream cheese and sunflower seeds), packed vitamin water with ice to keep cold, got out bag for her muddy clothes so she wouldn't forget one. Later told her to have fun and be careful before she left.

Went back to sleep then did the baseball thing with kids all day while she was gone. After we got home, put her muddy clothes in wash, cleaned up her run number (she keeps from runs), and got her a glass of wine to relax, then listened to her for the few minutes describing her day. Left her to rest and relax.

I tell you this because of the book I'm reading which has a chapter on being happy in service and what she has always said I was good at. She says I've always helped others with stuff but never did anything for our family. She's right of course. I have actually found peace in doing laundry, washing dishes, cooking cleaning, etc. It's my personal time and it allows me to think a lot. Our children have gotten very involved helping as well (not sure why yet). I know I'm ashamed of how bad I am at the above chores and it frustrates me that it doesn't always turn out as good, but the frustration is purely internal. I voice it hoping I can continue to learn and so I can just vent. Wish it was easier to explain the personal value I feel from doing things. It's so out of character for me it's confusing me. Maybe I just need to feel that I do have some value at all even if it's not value as a H. I don't know.