Spouse tried I didn't, now opposite

[whytry]

whytry, thanks for stopping by at my post and giving me some encouragement. I keep reading and re-reading your story and still cannot put my head around it.

Spouse had/is using DB website for months to help me and I refused any acknowledgment of my wrongdoing

Why do you say that your W used DB to help you? Did you see any changes in her? Has she become a different person?

My W told me months and months ago she was using this site. I did see her change and use the advice given here. Lots of the things we went through are discussed quite frequently on this site and I've learned immensely. She has become a different person. Several of my posts have comments on the good days and bad. I don't know her true feelings since we never talk much anymore but maybe one day.

My emotional abuse towards spouse and children began getting worse and worse the more I worked to try to make a living for us and I thought they were ungrateful. I have said very mean and hurtful things (on purpose) many times, used very strong degrading names, and left for days at a time to get separation.

Did you move out, or were just not coming home sometimes?

I would stay at friends house or leave and stay at my parents 1-1/2hrs away. I did have this conversation with my W when she was still trying to save our M and again the other day. My internal conflict became so bad that to keep from hurting her and our children emotionally I felt it was better to be away so I wouldn't degrade them verbally. She never believed me and still doesn't but once I saw what I was doing I couldn't hurt them anymore that bad. Granted it was only the worse days (I suppose), but I truly was trying to protect them from me. My struggle is hard to explain because it consisted of years of shame and a lot of childhood issues.

I still had internal hate problems, mostly due to self inflicted shame I for what I was. Personal shame was/is the dominate flaw I keep identifying. It was driving my ship to hide my whole life from friends, family, and especially spouse because I was always afraid of failure.

This gave me some things to think about. This might be exactly what my H is/was going through.

I can't promise that I know your H sitch, but if it is it will get worse before it gets better. I'm sorry if my posts don't always make sense but I'm doing my best and really do not have her ability to work, cook, clean, take care of kids, etc efficiently.

From your time line I understood that final straw was a Valentine’s day gift mishap. There have to be more to that.

This is what she told me was the final straw. It has been 16 years (not all bad) of struggling marriage. Also, I think in my timeline I tried to show that I went downhill deep for several recent years as well which caused her more agony.

Did you have an R talk?
No

Was it the first time when she brought up a D subject?
Yes

Is it when you started to pursue her?
Yes and no. I wanted so badly to hold her before then. That's the reason for the 2 v-day presents. I specifically bought one a week early and gave to her so she'd know I didn't forget and really surprise her. Plus the 2nd one I ordered that was the big present that was declined.

The reason I’m asking is that from your posts it is not clear to me that your changes are genuine.
I have asked myself this question. I've asked my counselor how do I know if it's real. He said only time will tell and that it can go both ways. I can either make it permanent or if I slip I can fail. Sometimes, reinforcement can/will help but that's if the reinforcement is constructive.

my family has even questioned me as well, but they do acknowledge that I've never been this happy in our marriage or as happy with myself and life. I hope it's real, but I can't make any promises today. Just keep on keeping on.

Or, it this a reaction to her pushing you away now?
I've wanted to make amends before now and tried several times. Started with her family in 2013 (we were at odds) and tried but wasn't ready. I still had many internal issues to overcome. If you read W posts she acknowledges my efforts when I tried but again I was still fighting my demons and would have good days and bad days.

Sorry, if I misunderstood some of your posts. You are definitely in a very unique situation, since your W used this forum and now she is a WAS herself.

Yes she is WAS and to be truthful I told her for months i was through....didn't want anything to do with her, etc. I'm torn to figure out if I was trying to leave or in my crazy head thought i was protecting her from me if we weren't together. My W has very strong personally beliefs about M, vows, and love. To drive her to D, I can say it's serious.

I lack the ability to express my true sincerity. My past is one of manipulation, lies, and selfishness. If it helps, for months she has slept in our daughters room so no touch. She has no reason to believe me nor to stay. As she said too little too late and I don't blame her. I have memories of my actions and pray everyday one day I can forgive myself much less hope she will.

Our marriage was not always so strained. One of the happiest memories I keep is my rock. For her college graduation present I took her on a cruise. The happy times are always forgotten it seems. Big deal for us being so young and poor. I worked my tail off, saved, made all the arrangements, did everything to show I truly cared for her because it was somewhere she wanted to go. I've always had in my mind that our 20th anniversary would be on the Alaskan cruise she has been dreaming of. I never told her but off and on since our 10 year I've looked them up to check out pricing. Almost monthly, even during our hard times recently because deep down I've always wanted her happy. I'm afraid that she is really "done" and I destroyed a beautiful person that deserves so much. I have no way to make my gestures and words sound sincere except that the aura and beauty that encircles her (always has) is what I see now. I'm bewildered how I never saw her for her or appreciated the blessing she is/was to me. I so wish you could read her posts as it would probably have more meaning as to the monster I was.