One year in but a newbie

[Lifes Twists]

Advice needed,

My wife has had a tendency when she does not get what she wants to start going through the kids to communicate and not respond directly. I am tired of this game and decided to go to no to limited contact.

Today she emailed me about picking up my oldest at college tomorrow night. I sent a text message to my daughter directly and told her I would pick her up.

So tonight my wife has called me at both my numbers several times as well as sent text messages. She calls when she wants something and gets mad if I don't give it.

Should I respond to her or let her stew?

[MrBond]

You should tell her that that is what sheʻs doing. That she only contacts you when she wants something and that you donʻt appreciate being used. Believe it or not sheʻll probably say that she didnʻt realize she was doing that. But hold firm. You will not be disrespected.

[bluesgal]

I agree with MrBond that she probably doesn't even realize what she's doing and why it hurts/annoys you. I have been so shocked to see how wrapped up my H is in his own little MLC world that he has no idea how rude he can be.

I say, don't respond immediately, but when you do, approach her calmly and matter of fact. Ex-I would appreciate it if you would contact me regarding the kids at (phone #) Explain briefly that it helps to keep things running smoothly. As far as only contacting when she needs something: I don't know that calling her on it will accomplish anything but anger on her part.

[Lifes Twists]

Hi Blues and MrBond,

I did find out tonight why my wife was so agitated and contacting me in multiple ways. It is 2 fold. 1, she has run out of money. 2, She had a date planned and it would ruin her plans if she had to pick my daughter up. I will be talking to my coach tomorrow for the first time and this will be a topic. I feel right now that sometimes I may not be available to pick my daughter up, but may be available to take her back.

[MrBond]

Pick up your D and have go and make it an enjoyable evening. Go see a movie with her or at the very least have a good dinner with her. Don't give your W any more money.

[Lifes Twists]

Agreed MrBond. I am just worried about the example and message she is setting for my daughters.Last weekend she took off for a whole day with one guy and left my youngest home alone. She did not even check in with her until that evening.She does not seem to have set any limitations on the girls or herself and the girls seem to come and go at all hours. Is it normal for MLC to be this out of control, even with their own children's welfare?

[bluesgal]

Life-

I think the short answer to that is yes. MLC is such a heartbreaking issue. It seems to bring out selfishness and carelessness in people that were once quite the opposite. They view this as "their time now". They are scrambling to fill that void in themselves. Unfortunately they mistake pleasure for happiness so although they are temporarily feeling better, it doesn't last. The worst part is that the kids and family are the casualties of these poor choices.

I am so sorry you are going through this. You are not alone. Keep making good choices you are proud of. You will be surprised how much you and your kids bond through this experience.

[Lifes Twists]

Hi Blues,

I talked with a DB counselor this morning for the first time. He agreed with what you are saying. He does feel that we are in the testing phase. He feels that she sees I am doing things that she wanted during our marriage and starts to question her decision and then fights her internal fight. He feels she will continue to try and push my buttons to see if she can get the reaction she expects from me. He told me that I should find a non confrontational way to address the children's well being without giving her the reaction she would expect.

Thanks for the kind comments.

[Lifes Twists]

Hi,

Does anyone have advice or examples whn it comes to LRT when older kids are involved?

[bluesgal]

Life-
I don't have great advice for the question posted, but agree with what your DB coach told you from experience. I think that's why there is a constant push/pull feeling at least in my current relationship. It seems his actions are warmer at times-like he really enjoys my company, but will pull away if he gets too close. I agree with giving the opposite reaction than is expected. It proves their deranged opinion of you, wrong.

As far as LRT technique with kids, you can research the archives here as that question is a common one. It seems like a form of 'going dim' is what people do. Only communicate when communicated with etc. Make sure to always stay friendly and upbeat. A lot of us can mistake LRT, going dim/dark as being distant and aloof with our spouse.