5 months of heck...ugh

[job]

tld,
As Georgia has pointed out, the MLCer will notice the changes and in most instances, they will try their best to test your patience. The 180's are not to win him back, but to help you set your boundaries and help you get your own footing back on an even keel because you've been rocked to the core. MLCers do not like us to change up on them, but you must do things to make yourself happy, not him. Any changes you make, must be for you and must become permanent. In other words, do not pretzel yourself to please him.

If he has given you a list of complaints about what he doesn't like about you or the relationship, I can guarantee you that if you try to fix those things, he'll come up w/another list. There is no pleasing them at this point in time. Also, do not drink the Kool-Aid he is serving up. He's going to say a lot of negative things that are his perception of things. Do not take them personally because you know the truth about your relationship. He will rewrite history and no matter how much you try to tell him that what he says is wrong, the more justification you are giving him to do what he is doing. Listen, but don't argue and draw from your inner soul that you do know the truth no matter what he has said.

If your h is not happy w/something you've changed in your life or how you run your home, he may become angry and stomp around like a spoiled child....ignore him. Some will then try to be nice and play on your softer side to get you to change whatever it is you have changed...don't do it. It's a dance and they will play nice or bad just to see if you are going to soften up and allow them to have their way. Stay firm, do not waiver if the changes are good ones and are for you. They do have this uncanny sense of knowing if we are trying to win them back or if we are sincere in the changes we have made.

Your h is gone and will be gone for some time. You could jump over the moon, lay golden goose eggs or transform into the most beautiful model out there and he will still find fault w/you. Why? Because it's not about you at all...but about him and he is not happy w/himself. You can't fix him. The only person you can fix is yourself.

If there are things that you do that don't make you happy, fix them. If you want to change the way you look, then by all means change what you don't like...but do it for YOU, not your h.

Right now, three is absolutely nothing you can do to make him interested in you or your girls because he's in crisis. He needs to be free to rediscover the world and figure out why he feels the way he does. He needs to experience the life that he thinks he missed out on as a young child. It takes years for them to work through the crisis and hopefully navigate through it properly and then want to reconcile...but you do not sit there and wait on him. You live your life to the fullest and rediscover yourself along the way. If he truly wants to reconcile, he will move heaven and earth to convince you that he wants to return and be part of the family in every way. He will have a lot of work to do and that's when you will determine whether or not you want him back into your life on a full time basis. Ultimately, the choice will be yours as to whether you want him back...but that's going to be a long time off into the future. So, while he's out to lunch, work on yourself.

Please try to understand...there is nothing you can do at this time to bring him home and want to work on the marriage. The only thing you can do is leave him alone, treat him as a roommate and move forward w/your life. The time you are spending worrying about how to him get home is so precious and you could be using that time to spend w/your girls or doing something that you like to do. Life is far too short to sit there and wait on him. This is your time to spread your wings and fly w/your girls.