Wife moved out to be with her Tour Guide Lover

[Oxford1]

you two have been caught up in this twisted, unhealthy dynamic for so many years (bickering back and forth, control issues, mean-spirited, each of you fighting for your "inch of ground" on every issue) that it's not really HER you are missing. It's the sick, unhealthy DYNAMIC that you can't let go of.
They saw and heard her verbal abusive attacks on me. They used to say Mom starts every fight but Dad does not know when to walk away.
That explains why you rush to see every call, voice mail, text, whatever. You can't seem to live an ordinary life without the drama that you BOTH create.
The only strong emotions I got from her where when she was raging. MY IC and OUR MC, all felt that sometimes I would aggravate her just to get some attention. They find it interesting as does our extended family that no one ever saw or heard me yell, but they always saw her starting with me. My IC feels my WAW was very angry with me for something I may not have actually have ever done.

Until you do some deep soul-searching and self-reflection to discover why you are so addicted to this poisonous relationship and these very unhealthy interactions, this will go on and on. Why do you crave negative attention from her? Is it because ANY attention is better than NO attention?
see above
Normal relationships do not look like this. At all.

The above left out the physical violence which is a huge factor.I and she both have had a lot of counseling on this. The issue is I was always honest with my IC, she most likely lied, and took no responsibility ever for anything.

I found this in your early pages. What are you doing about soul searching and healing you?
I am a different man. I no longer allow anything to anger me. I have even learned that materiel objects mean nothing. I have spent weeks repenting for any wrong doing I am to the point where she even trusts me enough to eve back in...But of course I think my control issues came into play here. I wanted her back to try Plan A, but when I realized she was still with him and then the realization that they were having sex disgusted me..Then I saw her clothes in our closet, I almost vomited...Especially because she made sure that I would see all the new clothes he bought her that are even to short for a 25 year old..WTF did I do??

You really should be less concerned about what she's doing and pour your energy into you and your kids. Were they witness to the physical violence? Only hers directed at me. What they saw from me, was maybe throwing my plate full of food into the garbage or pushing my mail unto the floor, it was a way to redirect my rage and not hurt anyone, she just never got that.Is that how they've learned to handle conflict?no not at all, my boys are very calm and laid back. The issue WAW does not see is that OM came from a middle eastern family where his father brutalized his wife. I fear that he will turn out to be a true abuser hence her injured arm..
That's why I say you have a scary dynamic for everyone involved.

I am scared to death!!!
[i][/i]

[Oxford1]

So here now is the letter that DS21 sent his mother after DD3 when she ran and asked for Collaborative Divorce:

I got your message last night. It started with you saying I'm not
picking up because I don't want to speak with you. That is only
partially true. I didn't pick up because it was VALENTINES day. It was
a day for me and my fiance to celebrate our love not hear about how my
parents destroyed theirs. I also did not hear the phone ring as me and
my fiance were enjoying each-others company without phones. I
understand you wanted to wish me a happy valentines day but you were
very selfish to call during this time. The past few days have been
hard and yesterday was meant to help me forget for a short time and
just be happy with my soul-mate.

Now there is something else I want you to understand. I am not angry
that you and Dad are getting divorced. This is something I thought was
going to happen for a long time even if I hoped it wouldn't. What
makes me furious, what makes me lose respect for the woman who gave
birth to me is all the lies and sneaking around. You lied and cheated
not only on dad but on me and my anxiety ridden brother. Why not
separate before all this? You would have saved so much trouble and
heart break. Worst of all out of all of this you are a hypocrite and
the worst kind! You judged my relationship with my Fiance constantly. You
hated that she wasn't Jewish, you ridiculed the fact she was abused,
and you were disgusted by her past relations. I told you these things
needing approval and guidance hoping you could love her as I do but
no, it was always something, just like everything else in my life,
there was always something wrong. What I find so Hypocritical is that
you judged my relationship and the person I was with so harshly on
your sense of "morals". However while you were judging us you were
sneaking around and lying to me, dad, and my younger brother. This just makes me
sick. How could one judge so harshly on moral ground and while judging
be lying and cheating on those she supposedly loves?? You told me once
that Jewish girls were more faithful than others. You were not only
lying through your teeth but you were being the worst kind of
hypocrite. A judgmental person only spitting out these "moral"
statements because I wasn't with the nice virgin Jewish girl YOU
wanted. You have taught me so much from this whole ordeal. You have
taught me that anyone can say anything to anyone even those they love
just so they can get what they want.

I know about the things dad has done but you weren't perfect either. I
know about the fights, about the abuse he may have cause in the past
but there is one thing I have learned. As a person who is dedicated to
another you have to let the past go ESPECIALLY if that person feels
bad enough to want to seek out help to make the relationship work. You
didn't even seek help you lied, manipulated, and tore our family
apart. My father has many flaws, hell I know I have inherited a lot of
them, but he is a good man and a great father. He acts rash in times
of stress and suspicion but haven't you given him every right to do
so? How can someone trust another who lies constantly. My father has
raised me to be a good caring young man, and I would say you had a
good part in that, but honestly with everything that's gone on as of
late, with all of the lies, I question everything you ever taught me.
I don't know whether to take it with a grain of salt or just delete it
from my brain forever. I don't want to see you at my graduation. My
graduation will be a happy time it will be where me and Sonya really
start to have a life and honestly I don't want someone in it who can
lie to their family constantly with no remorse. I hope you have a
happy life with your new family.

[Oxford1]

He signed it with our last name in Bolded Capital Letters

[labug]

I no longer allow anything to anger me.

We all have anger and anger is a healthy response in context. It's how you deal with the anger that is unhealthy. You may think you no longer have anger because you somehow feel that that's what you need to say, but stuffing anger is unhealthy.

Continue your soul searching cause you're still blaming your W for everything. Every other sentence your write is still defending you. I read that when you were dating you kicked her in the ankle, then there's a smothering story. Were those things her fault?

Your children have learned about handling conflict from you and your W. It's disingenuous to think that they haven't. You owe them to work on yourself to show them a new healthy path.

Let your W go, help yourself and your children.

Have you read Codependent No More? If not, put it next on your list. Ever thought of meditating? It can be a game-changer but you have to do the work.

Again from the quote from your previous counselors, you have a dangerous, unhealthy dynamic. What are you going to do to change that?

You have been given a gift, use it wisely.

[gogofo]

The above left out the physical violence which is a huge factor.I and she both have had a lot of counseling on this. The issue is I was always honest with my IC, she most likely lied, and took no responsibility ever for anything.

I don't see you talking responsibility for any of your actions either. Your words are only showing justification for your actions. You portray yourself as calm and loving and her as hot headed. You make it seem okay that you threw your food away or that you threw the mail on the floor, after all she made you mad and you could have done much worse.

[Oxford1]

The above left out the physical violence which is a huge factor.I and she both have had a lot of counseling on this. The issue is I was always honest with my IC, she most likely lied, and took no responsibility ever for anything.

I don't see you talking responsibility for any of your actions either. Your words are only showing justification for your actions. You portray yourself as calm and loving and her as hot headed. You make it seem okay that you threw your food away or that you threw the mail on the floor, after all she made you mad and you could have done much worse.

Oh boy , believe me I don't blame her at all. Mi am showing when I did it. My anger was all mine. I was told it was my form of an anxiety or panic attack.

No one that you love should ever have to deal with that. EVER! I have taught my boys that. Mi sat them both down in my S21's apartment with his girlfriend who was the victim of a sexual assault when she was an adolescent and I bared my soul.

I told them how I was madly in love with their mother, how I should have gone for help way back when, how I expected that if my sons ever ever exhibited any of my behaviors I expected them to seek help and looked S21 girl in the eye and told her.mi expect you to call the police or leave..

She told me S21'is the most generous loving man and he never has even raised his voice at her and she can be a real pain sometimes.

Please let me repent in peace. Me have gone to my rabbi, I have told everyone what happened in our marriage.

Do you know in the entire 12 months that the affair was in secret and that I lied with her except for some begging and pleading when ever there was a DD I never even felt any anger or rage.

I feel god has punished me enough. For some reason the woman I fell madly and passionately in love with was the only VICTIM here.

I actually asked her and begged her as to why she never called the police, he response was she loved me so much and then one day she went so numb she almost hoped I would kill her! Mean you believe that she said that.

That was the day I decided to let her go.

The truth is no one but me knows my guilt and hatred I hold against myself. That is why on some of the other marriage sites, people got fed up,with me. They kept telling me how awful she was and how I had to toss her out like trash, but I can't do that..

I was told that she and I were both codependent....

[Oxford1]

I no longer allow anything to anger me.

We all have anger and anger is a healthy response in context. It's how you deal with the anger that is unhealthy. You may think you no longer have anger because you somehow feel that that's what you need to say, but stuffing anger is unhealthy.

Continue your soul searching cause you're still blaming your W for everything. Every other sentence your write is still defending you. I read that when you were dating you kicked her in the ankle, then there's a smothering story. Were those things her fault?

Your children have learned about handling conflict from you and your W. It's disingenuous to think that they haven't. You owe them to work on yourself to show them a new healthy path.

Let your W go, help yourself and your children.
are you telling me to divorce her?

Have you read Codependent No More? If not, put it next on your list. Ever thought of meditating? It can be a game-changer but you have to do the work.

I do meditate after I workout or do Yoga

Again from the quote from your previous counselors, you have a dangerous, unhealthy dynamic. What are you going to do to change that? my IC and the MC see me as in recovery, they don't believe I am the way I was.

You have been given a gift, use it wisely.

[Oxford1]

How do you recommend I handle this.

If I go dark for even two days, my WAS tries to find a way to contact me. I don't understand why she does this.

She just texted me (Oh and I know where she is. And I know she is not with her family for the holiday and I know she is with the OM etc..etc..

R U alive? Don't forget invisiline appt. R U and S15 ok? I'm in New Mexico.

[labug]

What does this mean? "(Oh and I know where she is. And I know she is not with her family for the holiday and I know she is with the OM etc..etc..

what are you trying to convey with that?

Her text doesn't require a response other than, We're fine. If she hadn't asked about her son, I would have said ignore it altogether.

[Oxford1]

What does this mean? "(Oh and I know where she is. And I know she is not with her family for the holiday and I know she is with the OM etc..etc..

what are you trying to convey with that?

Her text doesn't require a response other than, We're fine. If she hadn't asked about her son, I would have said ignore it altogether.

Why is she telling me where she is? that's what I meant.
Also, she can text or call him to see how he is. Every time she goes away with this looser of hers she completely ignores her children. He actually wants her to move to Israel and never communicate with them again especially S21.

I also am curious why she asks how I am , if she cares that much she would not have fired me!

Did you see my other responses to you above?

Thanks!!!!