Okay, here goes

[FindingPatience]

Thanks tld whytry HollyAnn,

Admitting my part in that has kept me from posting, so it's good that I made myself put it out there right at the start.

Tld - I'm doing great on getting a life. I have a ton of house projects on my list and I really get joy from doing them and the accomplishment. I've decided I want to be a better cook, so I'm involving the kids in making plans and I'm making better meals. I've set up routines with the kids that are helping minimize the bickering. That makes us all happier. I've bought myself new clothes. The bomb drop diet did wonders for my figure, so I've bought some pieces to show that off. I find myself finding great things in places I overlooked before. My friendships feel deeper since I opened up to some of my friends and my mom. They've shared that they have struggles in their marriages and they support me in what I'm trying to do to save my marriage. (I haven't shared with anyone who could circle back to H). I read here lots, even when a down day leaves me no emotional energy to post, the reading helps.

I'm having trouble with the 180s. Some things he complained about both sides of an issue. When he was in the angry phase he complianed that I used to watch tv in the evening and he didn't know how to fit in to that, but then he complained that if I turned the tv off and wanted to spend time with him that he would feel too much pressure. I'm not sure what I should have done differently. There are also some things he complained about that I like about myself. For example he always complained about spending time in or on our home. He was always stir crazy. I was happy to get out with him, but I like having peaceful days at home with the kids too.

Although, upon more thought here, I have made 180s on a bunch of things. I used to be upset when he didn't meet my expectations. In reading this board, I've reset my expectations to be more in line with the aweful stuff I read here. Now every time he does better than the minimum I thank him. I regret that it took this situation for me to make that change. Luckily though I'm finding that gratitude spreading to most parts of my life. I'm appreciating everything so much deeper.

HollyAnn- I can't take credit for acting decisively. I've been dealing with this for just over a year now. At first I tried asking for what I needed, with miserable results (lots of crying and begging). Then I told myself this is all my fault and I just needed to STFU and wait it out, but I got to my limit when he ditched the kids in the middle of a holiday tradition to go attend to some made up crisis from OW. I was left with two sad kids who could understand why dad just up and left. I just couldn't do it anymore. Luckily things seem better now that we're living apart. We're very cordial. I still can't help but read his moods, but I don't know the alien well enough to know what's causing any particular dark cloud or apparently happy moment, so I try not to guess.

My D11 texted me last night to say that he was in a horrible mood and seemed mean to her for no reason (probably part true and part D11 drama). She said he was going out for a run and leaving D11 and S8 alone while he does. I doubt he was going long, but still. He has them for 3 overnights every other week. It's sad that he can't stand it and has to get away. Luckily my D11 is really responsible and has an open line to text with me in case something is wrong.