Roller coaster and then some

[daring]

Been reading for months and keep hesitating on posting. So much has gone on since my journey started Sept 14 that it feels as though I couldn't possibly be detailed enough to catch everyone up and get the input that I am searching for; but yet I feel led to post this week and so I'm jumping in.

Married 20 years, 4 children from college age to 2nd grade. High school sweethearts. Lots of ups and downs.....
Last few years after many years of education and training I finally started my own practice as a physician . Worked many more hours than I wanted to in starting it but it was a joint decision and I thought one that we would weather together.
Not sure what happened but negativity cycle became worse and worse. In retrospect I now see I had a depression at the same time my husband began MLC. I'm frustrated with myself for missing these cues as I am an empathic person and very psychologically oriented- but I was also in one of the most stressed times of my own life and got lost in survival mode.
In any case- 2012-2013 was a tough year but one I felt we were working on things and moving towards a better place. Unexpectedly ( at least to me) on Sept 14, 2013 my husband dropped the bomb that he would be seeking a divorce. For the next 2-3 days I wept and had anxiety attacks and fell apart. As I look at things now I realize he was at the end of replay and entering the next stages so he at least wasn't mean ( though he had been previous to this) but was detached.
Being the driven person I am I started reading everything I could get my hands on and quickly found many resources including DR. Within two weeks I was reading these resources and working on applying the tools.
He moved out Oct 1st to a rental a few streets over but continued to come to the house almost every day. One thing I am so thankful for is what a wonderful father he is and we remained excellent and involved coparents.
Strangely we started to get along better than we had in several years. And ML was more frequent than before ( a 180 for me b/c I had been frequently unresponsive previously- for many reasons).
He filed for divorce Oct 10th, and I consulted a lawyer just to understand what I needed to be aware of ( which interestingly bothered him). He has not progressed on the process since then.
On Jan 17th he called me at 11pm at night to say he was suicidal. I never would have expected this as his personality just doesn't fit this type of spiral- but clearly he was hurting much more than I knew. He came to stay at the house that night and had been there ever since. Had told the kids he would be staying there but they do to know all the details.
Since then he still seems to be mostly in withdrawal with some reconnections. He has noticed all my changes and fully acknowledges that the obstacle to
a fully connected long term relationship is him.
He says he doesn't know if he can let go of everything and move forward the way he should and if he can't do it 110% it's not worth it.
We still have a decent relationship- better in many ways but also
similar to pre-negativity time period. ( though if you were to hear him tell it his rewriting if history is that there was no connection at all).
I should add that there was an EA in my opinion, with a close friend and neighbor of ours whom he works with. I don't think it was purposeful but more opportunistic as both were having marital frustrations. We have talked some in recent months and he acknowledges that the nature of the relationship wax probably hurtful to me though it was not romantic in nature.
So I'm at a point now where I'm bit sure what to do next. I have a lot of patience on one hand, and on the other I'm fearful he will one say say nevermind and decide he can't work on it. I know there are no guarantees but at done point I need some sort of commitment.....
I think I'm just looking for some encouragement and hope.
Thanks for reading and please ask if there are more details that would be helpful.
I suppose I should include we are both in IC and I have been doing a great deal if self assessment and working on myself.