I'll be fine no matter what happens. My heart aches for our S10 - he won't understand why. (Like me). It's W's journey and will let her go on it. Not even sure if I'll be there when she gets back.
It's hard to understand W. W dropped S off at soccer practice and when I got home from work I asked which field he was at. W asked "when?" Not a big deal, I almost have to laugh when the fog is so thick that the simple questions are answered with a question. Keep telling myself patience, patience, 180 and GAL. This journey has helped to see our relationship from an overhead view vs right in it. If that makes any sense. You or anyone else ever feel that way too?
Me: 55, W: 46 T: 17 M: 15 S: 10 3 S prev M 25 23 21 Unhappy 10/12 Asked to move out 1/14 NILWY 2/14 Sep rooms: 1/14 BD 3/14 W filed 5/14 Trial 12/14
If that makes any sense. You or anyone else ever feel that way too?
I am getting there, in my case I am a co-dependent and many of my ways were there to put troubles in the R and I was involved with a co dependent W as well.
You are in a great level that will bring you peace of mind, pain its necessary and it will be there but the clarity that you have its what its going to help you with this recovery....
I know you have questions and its my pleasure if I can to walk with you and be around while YOU receive the answers.....
But there is something that I would like to hear from you, your experience, how do you feel, and whats the way you see life, I believe I can learn a lot from you and probably others will too. Do you feel like sharing the way you see your life and the way that you see your R with us?
When the student its ready, the teacher will appear... Even after all this time the sun never says to the Earth, "You owe me." Look what happens with a love like that,It lights the whole sky.
I'm not very good a putting my thoughts down as I type. I should get a talk to type program the make some major edits. This can be another area of growth for me - as I do want to give back to the people that are dealing with similar issues. And God knows they're similar and He's the only one that knows the outcome.
I'm at work now but tonight I'll start working on putting my thoughts down. I think it could be good to do and see where I've been and how far I've come.
Take care! Ttyl
Me: 55, W: 46 T: 17 M: 15 S: 10 3 S prev M 25 23 21 Unhappy 10/12 Asked to move out 1/14 NILWY 2/14 Sep rooms: 1/14 BD 3/14 W filed 5/14 Trial 12/14
Going back to Pre-October 2012 and some of this may be in some earlier posts. But you asked and I hope not to bore you. I thought our marriage was pretty good. We had good days and bad days, but mostly good. I work more than average hours and provide well for our family.
I have 3 S's from previous marriage, which W helped raise. They are all adults now and living on their own in different states. My W's relationship with them has steadily gone down because she has a difficult time letting go of any wrongs or perceived wrongs. But I know her and our perception is her/our reality. I just wish she could let things go and move forward - children make mistakes growing up. God knows I did! The S's have tried to reach out to her and let them know they want to have a good relationship with her. She did not respond to any of their requests. If this can be fixed they need to do the work - I can't fix it for them.
W did not have any children and wanted to so I had vas reversed and started trying. We ended up doing IVF two times, she became pregnant and miscarried both times. Obviously we were devastated both times. The Dr said wait a couple cycles then we'd try again. Before we went back for IVF she became pregnant and now have our S.
My W has a lot more free time and works fewer hours. I've never had or have a problem with that. Before our S went to school she was able to stay home with him. When he started school, W got a job at the school and pretty much works the same hours as school. So she is available for him pretty much 24-7. I worked, spent time with family, drank, played golf, watched sports in person - son's games, college/professional and on TV. Thought this was what people did... Thought life was good for both of us.
I now know that I took our relationship for granted, did not make her feel special, even though I always new she was/is.
Then back in October of 2012 she told me she wasn't happy. Didn't know what to think but I knew I wanted to try and fix R/M. Started doing 180's before I even knew what they were. I stopped drinking, but will have an occasional beer or two out out with friends - never with W at home or out to dinner with W. I honestly can say I don't miss it. I know I was doing it to cover up or mask pain and not have to work through it. I now look back and see that alcohol masks pain but also true happiness. Now I experience both and feel I'm really living!
I started trying to make a connection with her texting and/or a couple of phone calls during the day, just to let her know I was thinking of her. I started dating her again. Tried to show her and tell her how important she was/is to me and our family. Started some new projects around the house and finished some that needed finished. Started doing probably more than my fair share of household chores, but she had for years -so I certainly wasn't keeping score, I'd say she's still way ahead if I was. We went to MC and IC but that did nothing for R. She never said the D word, so I was just trying to do what I should have been doing all along.
I also started praying, reading books and looking at internet sites to try and figure out what I could do to try and save our marriage. Why do we look to God when things are bad in life but rarely praise Him when things are good? I'm probably the only one that does that - same as in my M. Now I give thanks and praise even in the difficult time I'm in because I know He is trying to make me into a better man, husband and father.
That's enough for one night. I will try and pick up where I left off and post again soon. I will also look at your stitch, but still don't know if I can give much advice - so it may just be encouragement at this point. Wish I would have studied harder in typing class.
Hope you all have a good night! Your words of encouragement are deeply appreciated.
Me: 55, W: 46 T: 17 M: 15 S: 10 3 S prev M 25 23 21 Unhappy 10/12 Asked to move out 1/14 NILWY 2/14 Sep rooms: 1/14 BD 3/14 W filed 5/14 Trial 12/14
When the student its ready, the teacher will appear... Even after all this time the sun never says to the Earth, "You owe me." Look what happens with a love like that,It lights the whole sky.
In November '12 I continued the 180's - trying to show her how important she was in my / our S's life. Around Thanksgiving I started writing 3 things about her I was thankful for every day until Christmas Eve. I created a video of it on Vimeo. The password is Cnfused if you want to take a look. https://vimeo.com/56248153 Keep in mind at this point I thought we were working on this M together, I was putting in a lot more effort. Even then I could start to see as I was doing more work for the R she needed to do less.
I found a different Marriage saving website - hadn't found this one back then. There it was mostly about creating "the connection". Working my tail off at work and at home. I don't have any regrets about working their program - I did continue to grow and just felt it would take her more time as she was the one that was unhappy. I would just be patient and her feelings/mood would begin to come around.
W went on vacation with S and another couple - I went to see 3rd son that was getting ready to be deployed. Looking back I'm not sure if I could have /should have done anything different. But later W told me that see was upset I did that and felt like I put my S before her. I was emotionally torn between what I did - but knew I was in a no win stitch. Now she carries that around and pulls it back out if she needs justification to be upset or hurt.
I pretty sure she met someone while on vacation - when she got back the text's were about none stop. Sleeping with the phone under her pillow. Turning it away from me to text and keeping it on lock down. I don't feel it was a PA - but certainly an EA. The other website Dr. said I needed to continue to work on the connection.
Her hurt/anger has become such a poison to her - but it is not stored in me. I listen to try and understand her hurt. I don't try to defend the choice I made, only tell her I can understand how you could feel that way and wish you could have told me before.
I hope she finds a way to deal with it, even if we can't make this M work. I want her to find happiness and peace.
She told me I'm away from home too much, always working. I told her I could get a different job working less hours, but would probably make much less money - she said "you better keep doing what your doing."
I don't understand how she can be so angry and unsatisfied with our life - we have everything we've ever needed and most things we've ever wanted.
Our primary house is paid for, another house on a lake, newer car, boat, S goes to private school, money in the bank... What more can I give?
W told me she doesn't feel any passion towards me and hasn't loved me for along time. My response was, "Thank you for being so honest with me. But I have a question, do you want too?"
I feel she is dealing with a lot of guilt because of how she feels and maybe from some of things she may have done. Being Christian's I think she is dealing with a lot of guilt for feeling like getting a D.
So I am new to this program, but have been working on myself and R/M for about 18 months. I used to count the weeks but stopped counting at 52 weeks. I still don't know what is going to become of M. W asked me to move to lake house and give her space, I told her I'm sorry I cannot do that. If you need space then you need to go. I will never let my S see me walk out the door. I made a commitment, a vow for better or worse, sickness or health...
I can only see this as a sickness, so as not to take anything she does or says personal. If I'm the fruitcake here and need to get off the crazy train - say so. It probably won't change my commitment. But I'd like to hear what anyone has to say.
I saw in a different post on this site a book titled - No More Mr. Nice Guy Thinking it might be time to read it. Any thoughts from anyone that has read it?
Thanks again! Stay strong! Life what a ride. Throw your hands up and scream.
"If you're not growing - you're rotting."
Me: 55, W: 46 T: 17 M: 15 S: 10 3 S prev M 25 23 21 Unhappy 10/12 Asked to move out 1/14 NILWY 2/14 Sep rooms: 1/14 BD 3/14 W filed 5/14 Trial 12/14
Ye where have you been? I miss your insight & have read the book you suggested and "No More Mr Nice Guy" that you mentioned in an other post. Hope all is well and to hear from you soon.
Me: 55, W: 46 T: 17 M: 15 S: 10 3 S prev M 25 23 21 Unhappy 10/12 Asked to move out 1/14 NILWY 2/14 Sep rooms: 1/14 BD 3/14 W filed 5/14 Trial 12/14
Hey cnfussed I am here . I had read you and So far I believe you are growing, write more if you feel like it so I can give you my personal view of this, for what I read you have taken a big step which is accept the situation and keep living. At the end thats all we can do my friend, you seem honest with yourself and that will help you, sometimes silence its more powerful than words
When the student its ready, the teacher will appear... Even after all this time the sun never says to the Earth, "You owe me." Look what happens with a love like that,It lights the whole sky.
Oh look, there is a great great documentary that you might like, its called "the shift" with wayne dyer and I believe you can see it in youtube, that and the DB books and just keep strong.
When the student its ready, the teacher will appear... Even after all this time the sun never says to the Earth, "You owe me." Look what happens with a love like that,It lights the whole sky.
