She left - 3

[gogofo]

Everyone, thanks for the advice. I don't know my plans yet, but tonight after the kids are in bed I am going to visualize the worst. Probably cry myself to sleep, but that is how it goes.

About WAW and A, I know she fantasized about dating or being with someone who wasn't who she made me out to be. I don't know if she did nothing, dated, kissed or went full out. When we were together she was very critical of people who cheated and even said she would kill me if I did it. I know she never would IF she was in her right mind. She also said she would leave and divorce me before she ever cheated because she respected me.

Right after BD when she was being "honest" she said she was too hurt to date or anything. She said she knew she would never marry again and would not even date for a long time, she was just too hurt. This is when she was ready to divide everything and go to a L ASAP, she had a paper out to plan it all out. She never wrote anything down because I broke down completely.

What I think it is is that she has been getting cozy with someone at work and either their spouse, SO, or friend is very pissed. Whom ever it is they do not know that we are separated because they wrote that they hope I kick her out.

Strictly EA, and kissing is definitely not a deal breaker. Heavy petting or full physical, I just don't know. The worst I can image would be if she got pregnant. I don't think I could reconcile and have a step child that would be a constant reminder of her indiscretions and have to see the OM all the time. This is going to be my visualization scenario tonight and I am sick to my stomach just typing this.

My gut tells me to work through these terrible thoughts and then do nothing. One reason is that I don't know if it is a deal breaker. Another is that I don't know if I am ready to set a boundary and I worry if by setting one over something I don't know the details about, it would destroy all our progress. Who ever wrote in the book will be bringing to reality what may have happened for me. Somewhere along the line it will come out, whether she brings it up or I do. I just don't feel right now is the right time.

Honestly I believe she would not go PA but I would not put it past her to test the waters by dating. She has strongly held values and has never wavered from them. She has been hand picked for promotions at work and refused them because she did not believe in the position. She refused doubling her salary. I feel, even by her actions, that she respects me enough to not get physical. Plus her mom works at the same place and doesn't support her separation from me. She would/will jump her sh!t if catches wind of an A.

Also I am surprised that I have not heard anything yet, this is not the kind of community to keep gossip secret.

I am also surprised that I am not feeling the pain I thought I would. I have had a fairly happy day even though it is on my mind a lot, it has not ruined my day. I worked through lots of pain early on after BD. Yahoo for emotional growth!