I guess I'm just trying to strike a happy balance between demonstrating happiness, contentment and strength ... but not coming across too independent and fierce.
I think you're investing waaayyyyy too much time worrying about how YOU come across to HIM.
Find your "authentic Train," and be HER. Get your mojo back. Do what Train would want to do if her H had suddenly died in a car accident, and she were single again.
Find HER. He's either attracted to that, or he isn't. I suspect he WILL be, but you need to find out what makes YOU happy, and stop trying to please your husband. That's not a healthy thing to do is a HEALTHY marriage, and it's certainly not what you need to be doing when he's screwing around on you.
Assuming that my past behavior was an outward extension of my true authentic self, and my core beliefs . . . why would I want to become the diametric opposite of that, just to re-attract a spouse who is having an affair on me??
Now, if the behavior is something I genuinely believe is NOT a healthy one for me, or DOESN'T reflect my true authentic self? Then yeah, I would want to work on that, but I would do it to become a better person, both on my own and in my future relationship, whether that's with my wayward spouse (if they decide to knock it off and come back to the marriage), or with someone else.
But I don't believe in changing who I am, IF I feel good about who I am. Not for anyone.
I don't think it's just you, Starsky. I completely agree with you, which is likely one of the reasons I've had such a hard time with the idea of 180s.
I kind of like me. Is there room for improvement? Of course. And that's what I'll work on. So, yeah. I can understand 180s if - like you said - it's done for self-improvement. But to change the essence of who am I to attract somebody? You're right: why would I do that? That's not a sustainable change, anyway. And if I have to change the essence of who I am to make someone happy, then I don't need that person in my life.
But, yes, As, too, throw a monkey-wrench into everything. They make the most sane of us feel, well, insane.
They are entirely different beasts, those As.
M: 40 H: 44 Married 14 years S11 & D6; D20 & D19 from previous M 2BDs/PAs, 8 years apart Piecing: April 2014
I kind of like me. Is there room for improvement? Of course. And that's what I'll work on. So, yeah. I can understand 180s if - like you said - it's done for self-improvement. But to change the essence of who am I to attract somebody? You're right: why would I do that? That's not a sustainable change, anyway. And if I have to change the essence of who I am to make someone happy, then I don't need that person in my life.
