Is this normal? Does the fact that the lbs is now getting their own life make it easier for the WAS to go? Maybe less guilt thinking that the LBS is going to be ok or maybe even better off without them? I know my W's low self esteem has much to do with her MLC. I know she feels better since losing so much weight but her LSE still rears up often when talking about herself.
Wow Matt, I struggled with all the same questions.
Yes, if she’s going to run away from the M she would prefer to see you “happy”. This does relieve her of some guilt for bailing on you. But here’s the catch… You don’t want her to stay because she feels guilty for hurting you, that’ll never work long term. People only “fall in love” (or in our case, fall back in love) with happy, confident people. You have to be one of those people to have a shot with her again. Besides, what’s the alternative? Not getting a life and being miserable?
My W too has been plagued with LSE. Often talked bad about herself, sometimes still does. Unfortunately, this is something they need to figure out on their own. It’s the only way it will ‘take’. One of the ways they work through this is by doing new things out of their comfort zone. Instead of attempting to put the kibosh on this, champion her for it! Be excited for her. Let her open up and tell you about her new activities.
The key, I think, is to acknowledge their LSE feelings, while letting them know we believe they have plenty of good traits. Keep it honest and specific. Don’t go overboard with compliments or she'll think it's fake, and just a trick to win her back.
Cadet likes to tell us that things will usually get worse before they get better. I always cursed him for that, lol, but it’s often true. Find a way to accept this while still maintaining a meaningful life of your own, and your M might make it. The way I see it this is our best shot.
Quote:
Someone told me that people with low self esteem sometimes feel that since someone loved them when they don't even like themselves that person must not be worthy or good enough for them when they start to feel better about themselves.
I’m making myself the best person I can be, so I don’t worry about W thinking I’m not good enough because I loved her when she didn’t love herself. I think they secretly like that we stuck by them, (as long as we do it right) even if they won’t admit it.
M: A really long time. Crisis: 5 years. She's still worth it.
Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
