Thank you everyone for the kind words. I find myself, once again, in a position where I just need support and encouragement and this place has always been good for me.
GM, I appreciate your post. Sometimes in the face of all that happens you really being to believe you are all of these awful things that are thrown at you by someone. That, I am finding, is one of the things that I wrestle with a lot. When you (or "I", in this case) think about the severity of everything that has happened and the terrible consequences you start to believe that maybe you DID deserve them somehow.....especially after you take the time to own your shortcomings and failures. So just the simple words that I have been "loving" and "patient" through this process almost bring tears to my eyes. So thank you.
Bug, you remain one of my heroes along with many others here. I am doing my best not to let hate overcome me - but in my head I keep having these fantasies of just telling her off very calmly and holding nothing back - with the intent of hurting her. I know I am not the judge, and I know that this is NOT rational - but I don't feel like she deserves to be happy right now....and certainly not happy in a relationship. Again, I know this is neither rational nor kind. And, if I am being honest, I know that the root source is that she is giving the love that I want, and arguably the time with my son that I want to another man.....and there is nothing I can do but sit and deal with it. I feel powerless and exhausted from trying. That, I guess, bleeds into hate and a myriad of other negative feelings.
With regard to my son, even if I just calmly say "we have to go to mom's" without even any sign of emotion he falls apart. Every time. That is what stirs my emotions -- seeing him that sad and hurting. Yes, I am sad that he's leaving me - but I do not become emotional over that. I become emotional when he falls apart, bargains not to go, asks how long he has to stay there, and then starts talking about how much he does not like or want his mother. That makes me emotional - and I am not feeding those attitudes (Although his mother will surely assume that I am). I have tried to make it positive, I have tried to tell him it will be fun, I have tried to tell him that mom needs to see him too, I have told him that mom and I have to share him....nothing works. He is not happy going there - he settles in eventually, but he never wants to go. It breaks my heart....AND it fuels my anger toward X for making this his life. He is innocent and does not deserve it...and she fails to connect her actions to it. I have grown weary of everyone saying "children are resilient". I think that children are resilient because they don't have any other options. They go where they are told, they have no say. So many people end up getting therapy (or just being tilted a bit) because of things that happened to them as children. The developmental years play a role in things. So yes, children are resilient - but not impervious to the effects of hard times, emotional duress and suffering. That is what I have to helplessly watch S go through and try like hell to to make it better for him and sooth what he feels when I have him. It would be great if I had an X that was willing to help in that regard but considering how that would require her stepping up and acknowledging - it is not going to happen. I am on my own. ------ sorry that reads a bit like a rant. Please don't take it that way.
I am really trying to pull out of this nosedive. I have a good friend that has been through something similar and she shares a son with a physically abusive ex. It's been helpful.
