I don't think I've been judgemental in anything above. I don't think I'm being controlling. Nowhere do I tell her to do anything.
No??? Why, because you've phrased it ohhhh-so-carefully and cleverly?
You are JUST like me, Zew, lol. I can GUAR-AN-DAMN-TEE you, that SHE will hear all of that as PRECISELY controlling and judgmental. It matters not what you say; the only thing that matters is how it comes across to HER.
Here, remember this: "You can't teach a wayward." That little gem of truth was given to me by the guy (NOPkins) that mentored me thru my own wife's affair and my own issues, and it's sooooo true. You can only land little "truth darts" every now and again, and even those have to be infrequent and in context -- NOT some pre-planned speech from you.
I can GUAR-AN-DAMN-TEE you, that SHE will hear all of that as PRECISELY controlling and judgmental. It matters not what you say; the only thing that matters is how it comes across to HER.