With All My Hopes and Dreams

[soldier]

I have read several archived posts from a WAW who use to be very active in these forums with the tag of smartcookie and her story has touched me deeply and allowed me to really take a deep look into my own faults. I was inspired by one of her posts and so I decided I would make my own story written in the same powerful light as the post she had written. I hope this story helps to show some of the LBS's perspective just the same way that cookie's post showed the depth of the WAW's perspective.

There once was a boy who grew up thinking he had learned the difference between right and wrong. His family seemed strong and together and the boy was generally happy. As the boy grew older he started to realize that his thoughts where not completely correct. His parents fought quite a bit and there was often yelling and cursing throughout the house. The boy did not know it but he was starting to develop his idea of how conflict is managed. The boy’s mother saw much of his father in him and as the mother and father started to grow farther apart the mother began to direct her anger to the next best source. The boy hated when his mother would yell and curse at him. It made him feel very sad and confused.

The boy grew into a young adult and started to foster relationships of his own but each one seemed to be strained as if there was some unforeseen pressure weighing on each and every one he attempted to make weather it was a friendship or a youthful love interest. It felt like this constant strain was causing each relationship to be destined for failure. The young adult was hurt many times and as a result he stood helpless as his confidence within himself slowly eroded to the point where he truly felt no more than a shell.

At last the young adult became a man and with what seemed at the time as a lack of options he ran off to the military. There is no room for unsure or unconfident people in that environment. The man realized that if he was to survive his experience then he would have to mold his shell so that he could hide the fact that it was still very empty and mold he did. With every ounce of his being he attempted to extrude a confidence that in truth was non-existent. So hard did he work to mold this shell that he even was able to convince himself of how real it was but no matter how much he lied to himself the truth was that there was no foundation for this new fake front.

The man met a beautiful woman who from the first moment he saw her she brought color and light into his life. The man desired nothing more than to have her by his side for the rest of his life. The couple developed a relationship and over time they got married. She traveled with him throughout his 7 years within the military and helped to support him through his darkest hours. When he was afraid she offered courage. When he was sore and tired she offered a comfortable place to rest. When it was so tough that the man didn't know how he would ever go on then she offered him support to get him through. When he was in doubt she gave her own confidence freely to him to make him feel at ease. When he was stressed she gave herself completely to him to help relieve his burdens.

The man had never known such unconditional love and devotion and he was so happy. As time went by the couple grew old well beyond their years and the saw many hardships such as separation and loss. With the constant moving around, the woman never had an opportunity to make many friends or see her family. The couple had each other and only each other and this made the man very happy as he enjoyed all of the many things that the woman gave so freely but this caused the man to become lazy within their relationship. He remembered what he learned from a young age from his father and followed suit. He failed to put the time and effort into giving the woman what she needed in return. The man felt that her bank was limitless and everything was fine and as always there was still this strain or pressure that seemed to weight the relationship down.

Then came the day that the man left the military behind. It was for no other reason than he was now going to be a father and the constant movement was no longer appealing. For the first time in so many years the couple found themselves close to family again and old friends. The woman was very excited because she had been somewhat neglected in the relationship and she now saw an outlet to receive some of the things she had been missing. She immediately started reconnecting with all of these other people but this made the man insanely angry. He though how dare she offer her bank of love to others. For years this was for me and me alone. In his anger he began to yell and say things that were not appropriate. This came natural to him because he grew up with it for so long. He lost himself and the fake shell that he had molded so long ago had fallen to reveal that true empty man underneath.

The yelling scared the woman and hurt her but she hoped desperately that it was just a transition and in time it would pass. To appease him temporarily she distanced herself from friends and family hoping that when the time was right and the man was calm she could reconnect again. He just needed time she thought but the anger would not subside and years past. Every time the woman so much as hinted about seeking a connection for love the man ridiculed her and tried to keep his grip on her tighter and tighter. The woman could not breathe. She was suffocating in the home that had made. It was no longer a home but a prison. She tried to busy herself with house work and her daughter because theses where the only things that she would not get punished for. She so desperately wanted to escape the pain that she was forced to endure for so many years but what about her daughter she thought.

The man felt uncomfortable having left the military and now having such freedom and he felt like he needed his wife closer to him than ever before. He needed her as a crutch while he nursed himself back into a normal life. He made it through college and became very successful over those years. The woman, never wavering even in her depression, gave him courage to finish and become something of worth. This was no surprise as she always had but even with all of his new found success he felt constantly out of sorts because as he learned to adapt to being out of the military he also started to realize that his fake shell of confidence was gone. With this safety net gone he had to use his wife for everything now. He was on autopilot and his mind was fogged over. To him everything was status quo.

Finally the day came when the man received a call from work and it was his wife. She confessed that she was terrible unhappy and that she wanted space and time to think about things. He asked if they could talk about it and she said she had already gotten their daughter and was gone. In that instant the man felt his entire world crush in on him. It was as if all of the pain that had been dealt out over their 11 year marriage had been transferred to him in that very moment. He was paralyzed with fear. The fog dissipated and he could see the reality of his situation as if he was holding the hand of a very sick relative on their death bed. There was no work or sleep or hunger. Only pain and confusion remained. How could he see so clearly now the error of his ways but be helpless to do anything about it.

The man instantly committed to changing himself at the core of the problem and he wanted to desperately show his wife that he could be the man that she deserved but his wife was disgusted by the mere sight of him. She would not talk to him or let him touch her and the few times that did have need to be in the same house she wouldn't even stay in the same room as him. She didn't want this now not after she had waited for so long. Not after she had begged and pleaded for him see wake up and open his eyes to her reality and her needs. Not after she had prayed so hard that she started to question her very faith as how could God allow her to be put through this constant misery. Her soul was empty and she had no more left to give.

The more he read and learned the more the man grew and developed. He started to see just what he had done to his loving wife all of these years. He was mortified and ashamed. As time passed the man realized that there was nothing that he could ever do or say to his wife to take back what he had done to her or give back all he had taken from her. He wanted that energy that she gave so much that he had become a void. This void devoured her energy but did nothing with it. He didn't turn it back into something positive or share his own energy with her. Instead he took and took and took until his wife was completely dry. All of the color and light she had brought to his life he selfishly kept to himself and himself alone and instead of trying to give some of his own color and light to the dark cold dungeon that her world had become he tried to keep her from any and all potential source that might have offered even a glimpse of hope to her because he wanted all of her light, color and energy to himself. Weather he realized what he was doing or not and weather he meant to or not, he had slowly destroyed her and now he would pay the greatest debt he would ever have to pay.