I think I belong here #2

[praying_in_GA]

LiveNow, I went by and read your thread. It is strange, but I am somehow comforted to know that you and bright both have heard the same "things won't change, we need to D now" speech over and over and over again. That's what I am getting every turn as well.

H told me he isn't sure what to do about my birthday. He said he wants me to have a good birthday though. He is afraid to do anything with me for fear of leading me on. However, he is going out with a group from school on Wed afternoon to celebrate his female friends 21st b-day. He may or may not be home in time to take D8 to practice so I would have to lose an hour of sleep before work so I could take her.

I know I should do something to celebrate my birthday but to be 100% honest though, I have zero interest in going to a movie/dinner/lunch/whatever by myself. Maybe that means I should just to get that first time over with?

He is getting deeper into the MLC script I think. He has started secretly tanning. LOL. Just LOL. He either left school early or didn't go at all this past Wednesday. When I asked how school went that day he said it was good...never mentioned he missed some/all of the day. He has even lied to friends at school about being sick...hence missing the day. He is spending slightly more money on things...like a month of tanning for $71. Our gas bill was $94...yea, I paid that while he paid for tanning.

I was listening to Pandora radio tonight at work. Well, low and behold, Bonnie Raitt "I Can't Make You Love Me" comes on. So I go sit in a room alone and cry harder than I have yet. Tears running down my face and chest. Such an emotional song. Such powerful words. And so poignant. I think it is time that I stop this playing around crap and release him into the world. It's so hard to believe it has been almost 2 months. Seems like it's been so short yet so long...and even yet, I am nowhere near the end of it all. It was so painful to listen to it but it was also eye opening. It made me feel more than I have allowed myself to feel since this whole thing started. Being honest with you all, I have held this strong hope that this was all just going to blow over. I have held onto that so tightly that I have blinded myself to the truth of my life. The first time was 1 month and I deluded myself into believing that would be the case again.

The pain I currently feel is so strong. I have one hour left to let it all out before I head home to him and the kids. I have been hiding my head in the sand these past 2 months. I have been barely treading water and definitely not moving in any meaningful direction. I have been a fool.

Anyway, enough lamenting. It is time for me to lace up these boots and get to work. No matter what, he is gone for now and sitting around pretending it's not happening isn't doing me any good. My life [censored] right now and a huge reason is my own doing.

So, here it is....I can't make you love me....my large dose of reality tonight....

Turn down the lights;
Turn down the bed.
Turn down these voices
Inside my head.

Lay down with me;
Tell me no lies.
Just hold me close;
Don't patronize.

Don't patronize me.


'Cuz I can't make you love me
If you don't.
You can't make your heart feel
Something it won't.
Here in the dark
In these final hours,
I will lay down my heart
And I'll feel the power;
But you won't.
No, you won't.
'Cuz I can't make you love me
If you don't.

I'll close my eyes,
Then I won't see
The love you don't feel
When you're holding me.

Morning will come,
And I'll do what's right;
Just give me till then
To give up this fight.

And I will give up this fight.


I'm not giving up the fight, I am taking the power back.