life in a mess

[MrBond]

I honestly can't believe that you can't see how one-sided your "opinion" of your M is. There are always signs. They might have been things you said, things you did, but there is always something. I tried to give you an explanation as to why your W is acting the way she is, but you don't seem to want to believe it. To be honest, you didn't ever imagine that you'd be in this situation did you?

"As fo the age gap, yes it appears to be a big issue, but she was the one who pursued me."

She was 19. She was at an age where she didn't understand what love truly is. In fact, her almost marrying someone she knew when she was 16 shows that.

"I am very young looking for my age and at the time we met she pursued me. She set her sights on me and went for it, despite the fact that she was engaged to another guy who she had been with for 3 years and they were planning to get married ( bit of a pattern maybe?)"

You were in your 30s and your ego was stroked when a teenager went and fell all over herself being infatuated with you.

"Yes the gambling was a big issue and a lot for her to deal with. All I can say is that is has been dealt with."

Pretty one sided on your part.

"And She made a commitment to put it behind uas and move on years ago."

And yet it was brought up again.

"Also she has always been very mature for her age and when her and I got together her closest friend said she wasn't at all surprised that she was with an older man as it was inevitable given her attitude and outlook on life."

She was a teenager.

"As far as me neglecting her needs, I really mean that I probably didn't focus enough on her needs as a woman, attention to the things that matter to her as a wife etc.
But I can assure you I was a very devoted husband and absolutely adored her."

So you're saying that you didn't pay attention to her needs and the things that matter to her as a wife, yet you paint the picture that you were a good husband. A little contradictory don't you think? Being a MAN in a marriage is more than just earning a living to put a roof over her head and food on the table. Feeding the emotional needs of a woman is more important.

"In fact most of my friends now say I was too adoring of her and treated her like a princess."

Sounds a bit like you treated her more like a child as opposed to your mate who is supposed to be your equal.

"She most definitely called the shots in our home and in our relationship. She made the ultimate decisions as to what we spent money on, where we went on holiday and how we generally lived our lives. I work in a demanding job, she only recently started full time work after years of being part time."

But what about the way you talked to and treated her. No one treats their spouse "adoringly" 24/7.

"As far as putting her down, well anyone who was witness to our relationship would say she was in charge. We used to have pride in the fact that we almost never argued, that was because she might have got aggressive or confrontational over something and I always calmed it down and walked away."

There is another word for "aggressive and confrontational" it's called passion. She was probably passionate about something and you "calmed it down" and "walked away" thinking in YOUR mind that it was solved. When in reality, to her they weren't.

"There was a huge imbalance there and it was probably wrong to do that but I have never been the arguing type."

You don't need to argue but there are better ways of dealing with things that acting as if you knew more than her and walking away. That's probably how she perceived it. That you didn't want to listen or couldn't be bothered by her concerns.

"There certainly was a big gap in our levels of intelligence (I hope this doesn't come across as being arrogant) and it is something that is really becoming obvious in what is happening at the moment. My closest friends have said that they wonder what we ever talked about as our interests are different in lots of different areas and she definitely doesn't think in the same depth as I do."

Again, she was a child when you went out with her. How much more "intelligent" do you actually think she could be? Just the fact that you even mention this does show your egotistical nature. In fact, in that one line alone, you managed to diminish her role into one of an interesting plaything as opposed to a spouse.

"I was attracted to her from the moment I saw her as she is a very attractive girl, she always got lots of attention from guys when we were out but I never expected her to be attracted to me. So I suppose her looks were what done it for me, I was blown away, besotted, and have been ever since."

Sorry to say but that sounds a little creepy. I mean, you liked how she looked at 19.

"As far as putting down her ideas..on the contrary, anything she has ever aspired to I have supported, over the past few years there have been several things she wanted to do such as take a college course or join the Fire service etc and I supported and encouraged each and every one, I drove her to her assessmnents to the fire service and helped her with her college application forms and was completely supportive."

I believe you only did the things that you were comfortable at doing. But what if she told you to change in some way? You just said above that you were intellectually her superior, so that makes your actions seem one-sided.

"I know that on the face of it and because of the age gap it might be construed that I was some sort of father figure but it genuinely wasn't like that, she was very much the head of household.'mummys the boss here'the boys used to say."

Her relationship with the children and household is different than the one she shares with you as a H. She was missing that.

"I'm going to repeat this again because it was genuinely the case, prior to Dec 14TH ( start of affair) we were a happy, loving couple( not perfect) who got on well, were affectionate with eachother and we had a happy and comfortable life."

I have to call BS on this one. That is all mindreading and one-sided from YOUR point of view. I bet if we asked her, we would get a different response. There is alot of denial on your part it seems. Just being honest.