Acceptance...

[Live4myDay]

Well, X met OW before separation at his new job...we had about 6 month rough times especially with D and accident and moving and sooo many changes..then he said it was over. Gave me the BD... IDLYAM not happy...etc. I did everything that DB says NOT to do. He was seeing her at this point BUT didn't tell anyone until about 3 months after divorce was final which took about 7 months after I got the papers of which I kept kicking and screaming to try and he just ended it. I just got booted out of his life. He's been seeing her ever since. A long distance relationship they live 1000 mile apart yet see each other every weekend and meet up at different locations for work...I feel my story is not very typical with so many twist and turns. Like everyone else but just sooo twisted!

Anyway, I'm not a drama queen just very hurt and having a hard time getting over it. My son just knows how the X and I interact with each other. He's mad at me and pointing fingers at me for it all and I'd try to make him pay for what he's done to our family every chance I got. Didn't realize I did this but I don't anymore. Not in front of them...just in the past via text/email. In the beginning of process X was very mean to me. When OW entered the picture it all fell into place. I don't hate her or blame her. I just know she only knows his side of the story and has no idea how I tried to save this marriage.

I will be very cordial and nice as I am with the whole in-law family. I realize it's my S special occasion and there may be more in the future, such as weddings etc. But it was S request told to me.

My X was very angry at me and still blames me for things that happened that year. I think he is in LaLa Land with all the responisibilities of our D. Like it or not I don't think he has dealt with it and ran away and hid in his new job. Which I have been utterly grateful and have commended him and told him how proud I have been.

Anyway, this will all be new to me. I don't understand how to DB or to just drop the rope. My heart says DB but my brain says I'm a fool and kick his ass out of my life for good! I know I could never have another relationship with him after all that has transpired...just how to move forward with as little pain as possible.

I have tried to be friends and start a "new" relationship with him, but he still sees me as the victimized wife that stole all his hard earned money with spousal support. HE doesn't want to be my friend and has put up barriers. HE is the one who wanted out yet acts as if he had it so bad that he had to get out. The best thing he's ever done should have done it sooner. Why do they do that? It was never THAT bad. It wasn't perfect. I wasn't perfect. But I was dedicated to my marriage and loved him. I know not enough.

Ok so back to reality! I treat him with love...any text, because that is how we communicate, which is rare (NC) but in cases where we have to interact I always tell myself "show love not hatred" I never call him names or attack or whatever nasty that goes on. He hates it and he is the one who calls me names and still points fingers at me. I am always sure to end my text with praying for him and for him to find God again. He used to be so grounded in morals and integrity. Now he says I sound like a Jesus freak...really to be so Christian and say that!

He is not the person or father he was 3 years ago. His ego is out of control. Not for me round it up...OW can do that. It's so hard to believe this is the same man. Its like Jeckyl and Hyde.

I think about what I might say to OW when I meet her. I've thought about sending her a text or letter as a sort of break the ice. Ridiculous I know. In my mind it will be all casual hello's and then walk away from each other. Although OW doens't even sound nervous to meet me. X must have made me out to be a monster! But seriously I'm sure I have come up in several conversations with her girlfriends. I know in my circle under same circumstances the XW would be scrutinized.

Am I just going crazy over this or is this something that all us LBS go through?