I wanted things to be different too, I kept wishing things could be different somehow & thinking how I'd do anything for my family to be back together... That was before I examined our R properly & realised how unhealthy it had become, how unhappy I was too (I was just in denial!) and now I can honestly say I would not go back to that under any circumstances.
To make things different, WE have to change too! That's why GAL & working on YOU is so crucial, you need to work on becoming the best you!
The whole "I'm not in love with you" and " people grow apart" thing us the WAS justification for what they're doing, it hides their guilt because the action they're taking is justified (in their eyes).
You need to work on detachment & accepting that NOTHING you do now will make your H magically realise he's made a mistake, if that's going to happen it will be in his own time when HE'S ready - frustrating I know! You can't speed up what's going on for him but you can slow it down by not giving him space to figure it out for himself.
Divorce Final: Oct 2014
Your struggles today, develop strength for tomorrow...
^^^ that's the part I'm having so much trouble accepting, too. I know I am capable of change (I have changed in important ways so far). Why can't he see that or be willing to do his part? Just walking away (in my case dropping the bomb and leaving that day, refusing to work on the M at all) seems so...weak. The emotional and financial costs are so high. Wouldn't a person try everything possible to prevent D?
The way I am trying to detach is recognizing that it's now much more about his issues than "my fault", that I am strong enough to get through this and come out a better person, and to be able to say to myself that a person this weak and incapable of change probably isn't the right person for me.
I'm sorry hope. I know detachment is hard. There are plenty of days I can't let go either. I'll sit around and imagine things working out and how it would happen. But it doesn't help and doesn't make us any more attractive to come back to anyways. More than anything, its just an emotional high that you have to come back down from each time. The hurt will come and go each time and get easier to manage. You can 'get over' it, you just have to figure out how to live past it.
M: 43 W: 43 Married 6 yrs. T: 7 yrs. Son 20, 18, 17, 15 yrs. (w/ Autism), 12, 10
It's hard to get your head around because we aren't in the mindset of a WAS, it makes no sense to us why they do what they are doing & the more you try to understand it the more confused you'll become because your spouse probably can't explain their reasons themselves - my H has talked throughout all if this (a lot don't) and he can't explain it himself & will openly admit that it's crazy and makes no sense!
The fact is, walking away is what they have chosen & right now that is their only option (in their head) and unfortunately NOTHING that you do or say will change that, pressure from you will likely just reinforce it. You are not responsible for your S, you can't control them but you can control yourself & your life.
How much time are you spending thinking about your S, M, situation in comparison to how long your spending thinking about YOUR needs, YOUR wants & YOUR feelings?!
Divorce Final: Oct 2014
Your struggles today, develop strength for tomorrow...
Thanks, Upwards, Claire, and Bunches. I really appreciate your thoughts. I am working on myself, but have not detached nearly enough and seem to jump readily on to H's roller coaster. So, I have lots more work to do. In general, I'm a pretty self-confident person, but this sitch has rattled my confidence quite a bit. I know confidence is attractive, so I really need to get that back. I'll be reading the article on detachment tonight.
As I was leaving work today, I got a call from H. Since he's back in town, he should have picked D7 up from school today. However, he was calling to ask me to do it. I leave work earlier on days when I pick up D7 so that she doesn't have to stay at her after-school program for as long. I'm frustrated that H waited until the time I normally would have been picking her up to call me because that meant she got picked up later than usual. On top of that, when I got to the school, I heard the teacher call for her. I heard D7 respond, "Yay! Is my dad here?" I know that she isn't disappointed to see me and that it is really a reflection on not spending as much time with my H, but it still hurts to hear that.
While on the phone with H, I told him that I would pick D7 up, but wouldn't meet him at the house with her. We've done that before and it is hard for D7. When the weather is nice, all the kids in the neighborhood play outside after school. D7 has had to leave in the middle of that to go to H's apartment previously and it made her very upset. I asked if we were going to meet for dinner because he suggested it last night. He told me he didn't have money for that. I didn't ask questions. He went on to share that he had to call his dad to ask to borrow money because things were really tight this month. It almost seemed like he was going to see if I would offer him the money. I did not. Isn't this one of the cases where he needs to feel the consequences of his decisions?
I saw my H last night. I was at his apartment to tuck D7 into bed. After I tucked her in, he struck up conversation about something for one of his classes (he went back to school a couple years ago). We talked for a few minutes and then I got ready to go. He walked over to give me a hug and then started kissing me...and then we ML. It's the first time that has happened in over two months. I felt like it was probably likely to happen because of the flirty messaging H has started the past several days. My understanding is that this is inline with DB as long as it doesn't lead me to develop expectations. I don't think it has. I don't think the situation has magically changed overnight or anything like that. I didn't contact H today or act clingy afterwards. I feel ok about it. This afternoon, H emailed me and asked how my day was. I responded something generic like, "Good. Really busy on X project. How's yours?" He then made more flirty comments about waking up in a good mood because someone was extra nice to him last night.
Later, he asked if I wanted him to come to the house and grill on Saturday. I agreed. One thing I really miss is my H cooking for us! I did turn him down for dinner tonight because I was working late.
I think I'm ok with what happened, but probably need a little longer to digest to be sure that I am.
When the student its ready, the teacher will appear... Even after all this time the sun never says to the Earth, "You owe me." Look what happens with a love like that,It lights the whole sky.
H called a bit ago. A friend of his (who became a friend of ours) is flying in for the weekend. He is going to be with H when he comes over on Saturday to grill. I have always liked this friend and was glad that I'd get to spend time with him while he was here, too. H was telling me what he planned to do while the friend was here. He said that he thought the friend just wanted to go out drinking, but H didn't want to do that. I validated and said, "I understand that. I know you are guys so you don't sit around pouring your hurt out, but it's not like you're really getting to spend time together if you are out in a loud bar every night." H agreed. Then, he told me that he thinks the friend and his wife are having problems. I asked if the friend told him that and H said he gathered it from the conversation they had, but that the friend didn't come right out and say it. I said, "Oh no. I'm sorry to hear that." D7 then started calling for H, so he had to get off the phone.
So, now I'm freaking out that H and this friend are going to commiserate with one another over their terrible marriages and that this will help H decide that he definitely wants a D. I am proud of myself for not saying any of that to H because a few months ago, I probably would have. I realize that my thinking probably isn't rational and that this friend will probably have very little effect on what H's ultimate decision is going to be. I think I need someone else to tell me that I'm freaking out over nothing.
At the very least, I know that I'm freaking out about something over which I have no control.
"I understand that. I know you are guys so you don't sit around pouring your hurt out, but it's not like you're really getting to spend time together if you are out in a loud bar every night."
Hmmm this is validating or judging?
So, now I'm freaking out that H and this friend are going to commiserate with one another over their terrible marriages and that this will help H decide that he definitely wants a D.
Or does the opposite, this is a little mind reading and also I am a man, if we want to live in a equal society where everybody its equal and share the same feelings, I feel it will be valid for you to think that a man sharing about his marital problems with his friend its the same than when a woman does that with another woman or man. Don't underestimate because you don't really know what they are gonna talk about, and just accept they are going to see each other and start enjoying the cooking with H, change your thoughts, refer to 25yearsmic post of her going to a trip with H and how instead of feeling miserable she chooses to have a looooot of fun, who knows what might happens!! Maybe in the food everything goes so well that you 3 end up together going for a beer and talking about your H friend problems...
You can do this, dont let fear control your life, I am talking by experience
When the student its ready, the teacher will appear... Even after all this time the sun never says to the Earth, "You owe me." Look what happens with a love like that,It lights the whole sky.
