Thanks for all the suggestions. I really appreciate it. It is hard when my h was a very conservative religious man for 16 years, and now he is 180 of that. Says he still believes in our religion. The only commandment he had not broken is murder...ugh
Yes, it's possible to enact 180's and in some cases they are something we normally wouldn't do. Boundaries are hard, but you if you adhere to the ones that you set up and continue to repeat them over and over again, he'll get the message. If you don't enforce them, he'll continue to blow them off. For example, if you have dinner on the table, ready to eat, and he's hiding somewhere and texting the ow, you don't wait on him...you eat your dinner and put things away. If the two of you are to suppose to go somewhere and he's not ready, you go. If you don't want him texting or on the phone during dinner, ask him politely not to do so. If he continues to do it, get up and put the meal away. You do have some say in your home and he's running around like a spoiled 2 yr old testing to see just how far he can go.
If he doesn't put his dirty clothes in the hamper or leaves dirty dishes in the sink, don't do them for him. I know it'll drive you nuts, but you have to learn to look at him as a roommate and not your h. If you had a roommate, you wouldn't be picking up after them or doing things for them. You have to determine what boundaries you want to set and adhere to them. None of that wishy washy stuff or he'll know he can do whatever he wants and you'll do nothing about it.
Another 180 is to go out and do your own thing and not invite him along. Doing the opposite of what you've been doing will cause him to stop and take notice and in some cases, his curiosity will come out to play. Whatever changes you make in your life that make you happy, they have to become permanent. You don't make changes just to please him.
Well, he's already got the ow on his radar, which means she's his number one priority for right now. You can't be replaced because you are a very unique individual who has been w/him for quite some time. This ow is new and she doesn't know him the way that you do. It's a challenge for him and keeping things secret helps w/the euphoria right now. Yes, he may be doing things for her, but it's going to get old.
Generally the MLCer will hook up w/someone who has the same issues or someone who will look up to them as being their "savior". They tend to feed off of each other for a long period of time. Birds of feather flock together...but it will get old or one of them may find someone else. Time will tell.
It's important during his travel time that you take care of yourself. It's important that you do some fun things and learn to be more independent and have faith in the system. The advice you receive here does work...but you have to have faith and to try to stay positive.
Keep the focus on you and allow the man upstairs to work on your h.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Thanks again for the help and answering my questions. So far my 180s have involved the girls. We work different shifts and I cannot afford sitters all the time. I really hesitate to ho out when he had night off, as he keeps saying he is getting evidence on me. I don't do anything the few times I have gone out, usually talk with friends, movie, or go for drive. I truly am a home body, which I am breaking.
I will keep at the boundaries'. Eventually he will listen. H has so much guilt now he can't look me in the eyes. Seems weird, but makes me feel powerful. I also am being more decisive and less passive. He keeps asking where all the feistiness is coming from. Duh...5 months of nonsense from him.
You are not responsible for his behavior. You are not his keeper/mother. Besides, he would need to be caught by the police and given tests to determine if he's drunk and then put in the drunk tank for the duration until he's sobered up. Eventually he will be caught if he continues doing this.
For now, your focus has to be on you and your family.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
BTW, you will need to create a new thread. You have 108 postings and the general rule is a new thread for every 100 postings.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
