tld, the more time he spends with ow, the faster it is going to get old. By the way, how do you know what he does for ow? Does he tell you about it? Sorry, if I missed this in your previous posts.
His behavior is typical MLC. Yeah, he is mentally unstable.
M:50 H:52 S28 (my S from previous marriage) M:17 + 3 BD: 06/12 S: 06/12 - H works in another state
He claims they are just friends, so he will tell what project he has done. He wants a pat on back. I just say oh ok and smile, going ballistic does not help. Also, when gets off work he will text me had a rough day going to spend down time with his friend which is ow. He gets of work around midnight and will stay until between 2 and 4 at night. This does not happen everyday, but I'm not an idiot. I don't ask what he is up to I just say ok when he tells me what he tells me. Thanks for pointing out more time spent together more gets old, I had not thought of that. They work same shift and often drive together. They also have lots of drama around affair and if he fessed there would be big consequences. I at a loss on how to handle it. If he texts to say he will be out with ow I don't respond. He us pursuing her very hard, just like he did me years ago ��������������
Any ideas on what to say or do when he tells me he had been fixing something or going to hang with her?
Our tax lady sent me a card since I got upset the other day. it wad just thinking of and call I can tell you were upset. I read it away from h as I knew I would make me cry. I came back five minutes later and he asked if I was ok, I smiled and said yes. He asked what the letter was, I said just a card. He said whatever and then stomped around like two year old til he went to work. This is 180 for me. Normally I would lose it and cry while he would not come near me or say anything. He had been cold with any touch ladt month, it has been nonexistent.
tdk, good job on not reacting. Like they say, fake it until you make it.
I’m not sure if I can you advice on what to say when he tells you about appending time with so called friend. Since you cannot prove that it is in fact the affair, all you can do is to keep your calm.
My H did something similar in our M. This was when we were still married and doing ok. He would spend time with his female friends once in a while. I knew they were just friends, but I was upset because I thought that he had no business spending time with women who I didn’t know or barely knew. I got upset and told him about it. Then it was his turn to be upset. He blamed me for being unreasonably jealous. This was also one of the breaking points he mentioned at BD. He blamed me for trying to prevent him from having good time with his friends.
If I would go back to these times in our M, I would tell him to have a great time with his friends, smile and go do something on my own. Your situation is different, because he already dropped the bomb on you and talking about D. In one of the relationship books I’ve read, the author mentions one of the possible responses to a spouse who is pursuing OP. The response is to tell the spouse that “I’m sure he/she is a decent person and a good catch”. You know that ow is not a decent person, because she is having an affair with a married man. And it all will come out eventually. Just stay away from it, so he cannot blame you for exposing him.
I really don’t know what else to say. I’m sure there are others here who would suggest you to enforce the boundaries. You just have to determine for yourself what these boundaries are. Meantime, stay calm and positive. Let then have their drama.
M:50 H:52 S28 (my S from previous marriage) M:17 + 3 BD: 06/12 S: 06/12 - H works in another state
You've done a great job in not reacting or questioning him. The best thing you can do is listen and sift through the garbage of what is coming out of his mouth to learn things about him and what he's up to.
From your posting, I am thinking that he is looking at you as a friend or an authority figure and that he's checking in to let you know what he's doing after work. In other words, just like a teenager letting the parents know that they are hanging w/friends and may not be home after the show. If he does it again, just say "thanks for letting me know". There's really not much more you can say because if you try to control and/or manipulate him into coming home instead of going w/his so called friend, he'll resent you for it and say you are making him give up his friends.
The affair has to die a natural death. A death by their own hands. The more they are together, the quicker the euphoria of newness will wear off. Your h is looking for affirmation/validation when he's telling you what he's doing for this person. Apparently as a child, he wasn't recognized for the things that he did, so in midlife, he searching for that from anyone that will give it to him. I suspect the ow is stroking his ego when he does things for her and that's what's got him going over there to do things for her...it will get old in due time.
In the meantime, if you have some projects that need his attention, you may gently ask him if he could help you out or better yet, ask him if he can tell you how to do them or suggest the help of someone else. It's time to start doing some 180's and this would be a good start. I don't expect him to jump up and say he'll do them for you, but at least you'll be doing something different. Whenever he does something for you, be sure to thank him.
So, pull up a chair and get comfortable, because the parade is about to start and you need to watch it zoom by. It takes a long time for these crisis people to come back to earth and the best thing you can do is set boundaries, adhere to them and get on w/your life the best way that you can. They are going to do whatever they have to do to get through their crisis.
Keep the focus on you.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I made the mistake of checking his cell early on, he caught me and was furious. I read enough to know it is ea that has gone pa. But at that time it was oops we were drinking.
Thanks for the comment the more they see each other the sooner the death of relationship. I can't get out of my head that he is going to shove me aside and put her in my place. I can tell he thinks he is in love with her. You are right ad him not being acknowledged as a child. He was the victim of some gery abusive step parents. In fact he is using ow to get over these as she had sane thing.
Did you ever enact 180? Is it truly opposite of whatever you normally do? Boundaries are hard, as he just blows over me and does what he wants. Probably because we are in same house. Suggestions on boundaries?
