Mondays for days ...

[Train]

Yesterday you would've been screwed, as I was traveling

Well thank God that His timing is perfect. The thing is: I'll go days and not hear anything. And then it seems, all a sudden, the flood gates drop and EVERYTHING happens all at once. A call from a friend with information, a call from the L, crazy texts from H. I'm getting better at handling those days, I guess. But it just seems it all happens at once.

And, yeah, I don't mean to sound ugly, but my H is not the brightest bulb in the pack. Sometimes - especially these days - I really start to wonder: Do I want to hang on to my M because it's comfortable? Because I fear being a single parent ... again? Because I just want *a* companion and H has been that for so long? Because honestly? He's not my ideal partner. He can't/won't carry on an intellectual or intimate conversation with me. He's not a MAN. He's like a boy that won't grow up, sort of. I've always said he complements me in that way; his spontaneity has always balanced my more serious, stressed nature. And I mean, he's a great provider. He's a remarkable father. So in THOSE ways, he's good. But he's not a *man* ... you know, a MAN. Maybe I wouldn't do well with a MAN since I've lived so long being the disciplinarian of the family. I HAD to be when I was a single mom of Ds16&17. So I sort of just assumed the role with S7 and D2, too. Plus, H doesn't like to punish; he said his temper's too hot, and he doesn't want to become like his dad.

But I'm always the one who has to make decisions around here, with the kids and other things. And every once in a while, I want to say: You know what? I'm still a woman. I still want to be taken care of. Yes, I like to be respected. But I also want to be romanced. And I'm not talking about dry-humping me in the kitchen. That's not romance.

I don't know. I have a lot to consider once I'm out of my own fog, I guess. Right now, it seems the natural reaction to fight for my M and my H. Maybe it's jealousy. Maybe it's desperation. Maybe it's my morals. Maybe it's comfort. Or maybe it's just a knee-jerk thing.

But eventually, I'm not so sure I'm going to "pick" him again.

Talked to L. He said H was not at all belligerent (like in texts to me) when they spoke. He said H said he doesn't want to drop $4K-$5K on his own attorney. But L said he eventually told him that's what he's going to have to do if he thinks the deal we pitched is unfair. L isn't budging on the numbers. I was happy about that.

And yes, I keep EVERYTHING. I used to be an investigative reporter for a newspaper. I dig deep. And I archive everything. H knows this. Again, not the brightest bulb in the pack.