I think what I am grappling with is the fact that I feel hate for her creeping into my heart and my head. And I don't like feeling that way - but at the same time made I need to.
I can't remember who said this a while back, but hate is a place we go when we're hurting, it's an easy place to stay because it feels pretty darned good there, LOL! The problem staying there is hate and blame go hand-in-hand so we build up anger and resentment, and never really address the underlying hurt. So try to peer through the hate and find that pain underneath there and work through it.
The way I look at it, my XW is not the person I married. I don't know if she's "sick" or confused or has just changed or what, but for whatever reason, the person she is now is incompatible with who I am. I can blame her, or menopause, or anti-depressants, or (fill in the blank); but for me it was easier to move on when I just accepted it all as my "new normal". It's not "good" or "bad", just different.
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I think that I went so far in owning my parts that, after she owned none of hers, I really took to blaming myself for everything.
It's a tightrope walk trying to own our faults and grow/ change while not blaming ourselves! But in the end, I think most of us were just most guilty of being guys from Mars. We quit connecting with our wives emotionally, and we quit validating them and nurturing them. Of course we all wish we knew then what we know now, but we didn't and our ignorance is not our fault. Now if you went into a new R or M and made the same mistakes, well then you would deserve blame. But not for what happened before you gained this knowledge.
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And she, as I would tell her about my role, would just nod and agree.
LOL! That's my XW too! She might throw in something like "well I guess I could have done better too" now and then, but she's never owned any specific mistakes on her part (and there were MANY )
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