I think what I am grappling with is the fact that I feel hate for her creeping into my heart and my head. And I don't like feeling that way - but at the same time made I need to. Yesterday was a big trigger and it just sent the last few years of pain, rejection, frustration and tears kind of flooding back into my mind. I think that I went so far in owning my parts that, after she owned none of hers, I really took to blaming myself for everything. And she, as I would tell her about my role, would just nod and agree. Over the years it has left me with the feeling that I AM all of the terrible things that she said on some level. And I lug around guilt and shame as a result. Academically, I know not to take that on - but my emotions run over my head a lot.
It really was eye opening when she said that my being sad is what causes S to struggle with transitions. Totally blaming me for it and exonerating herself. That hit me right between the eyes. Hard. It was just a glimmering example of how much she shirks accountability.
Probably over-posting today, but it helps me organize my head.
