Thanks Wonka, Yesterday I found out that because my wife HAD to go see her dad in Fla last month, taking off work and spending money we didn't have, she used up her vacation time. Problem is she KNEW she was taking a week off from 3/31 to 4/4 to go on a class trip with our youngest daughter which means no income as my business is one where I don't get paid regularly. She didn't tell me this until she left and she said to be ready for no income NEXT week. I paid the bills as best I could, she spent money like we have so much more income than we do, and now I find out that it's THIS week she won't be getting paid for! Now, we have no money to live on until she gets paid again next week and when I say no money, I'm not sure we can afford gas for the cars because SHE told me the wrong info. Now, I know she has money in her secret bank account but she doesn't know I know about that. She wants to question me when I say we are low on funds (she says "I just got paid, where is that money?", It went to pay the bills!!)Now I'm going to have to try and find a way to get through this little crisis and she will just do the normal "blame me", I'm sure. I wish that I was just projecting but I know from past times this is what will happen.
When I started this business (before her B-Day) we talked and she knew it would be hard and I would need all the support (not just financial) I could from her. 3 months into it and she pulled the Bomb. Now, she tells me how she's angry at me for not making enough money. How it makes her mad because she knows we can't "trial separate" if we wanted. Here I see this person who is doing so many horrible things to me and her family, goes from saying how we'll be together forever and has no thoughts of leaving or divorce and 12 weeks later tells be she's unhappy, I'm unhappy and she wants a divorce and isn't interested in trying to fix our marriage, forgets to go to her daughters school meetings and instead goes out with her friends from work leaving me waiting and embarrassed when she doesn't show, is always telling me how wrong I am and pointing out all my faults (at one point about 6 months post B-day, I had been trying to change ME and address the things she said we're bothering her about me. When she couldn't think of anything I had said or done "wrong' she told me that she "hates the way (I) chew my food"! Now there is grounds for divorce and breaking up a 20 year marriage!), and she is telling me that I'm not good enough for her! I'm in better shape than I've been since I was 20 years old.(I'm 52, she's 47)The times we went out together to parties that her new work friends had and it went well, she said to me in an astonished voice "Everyone really likes you" like this was sooo weird because how could anyone like someone as awful as me? Blames me for everything bad that has ever happened, even saying "I know you didn't do anything to make ______ happen but I still know it's your fault. Every time things get better something ruins it!".
How in the world do us LBS'ers stay sane. Here is this person who I have dedicated my life to, knows me better than anyone else and she only see's the bad. How are we supposed to keep up our own self-esteem when the person who was our best friend and lover is always telling us and showing us how we aren't worthy of them....and they have such low self esteem and are always saying how they don't like themselves. If someone who feels so bad about themself doesn't think you're good enough for THEM, that can really be a hit to the old ego! I'm trying to GAL and detach and do things for me but like tonight I was supposed to go out to a wine bar for trivia night with a meetup group but now I don't think we can afford just buying a few drinks!
I can see reading what I just wrote that I'm venting a bit. I should know by now that I can't believe or count on anything she says (like it wouldn't be until next week she wouldn't get paid) and I have to just verify everything for myself. This money thing is a realitvely new thing since she got back from seeing her father. She trusted me until she went and opened her own account. Maybe she is projecting her feelings about doing something she knows is "wrong" and now thinks I'm doing what she is (hiding money)? Does no good to try and understand the why but I need to find a way to get through to her that she can't put me in charge of paying the bills and at the same time spend and take unpaid time off of work without warning much farther ahead of time. It would be easy with a "normal" thinking person but while she is so far in MLC, it's a huge undertaking and one that could, if handled the wrong way, end up putting us in front of a judge extremly fast. Especially when her father is pushing her in that direction!
Anyone have any ideas of a way to get her to understand things without her seeing it as controlling or stopping her from "finding her joy"?
