1. I have been domineering and stifling to WAW all during our marriage 2. Everyone is telling WAW that she is so much happier now. 3. WAW belives we are incompatible 4. WAW wants the house in her name because she belives otherwise she will be lumbered with a 10000 euro tax bill. No I do not understand this one either. 5. Mediator suggested that we see a collegue of hers to help me accept the idea of a divorce. 6. When it was suggested that WAW might also need to attend WAW refused point blank claiming i was trying to reel her back in. 7. WAW raised claims of physical abuse to her and the kids: Not actually true 8. A lot of other stuff i cannot recall. But basically made to feel i am the only guilty party in all this. 9 WAW feels that i am holding a sword over head about the finances. 10 we both trust each other regarding the safety and upbrining of the kids. 11. Somehow I was the one preventing my WAW from finding a job
Next meeting to detail all the finances.
So basically I am torn up again inside and being railroaded into a divorce. Any suggestion of getting help to accept and be able to communicate is refused.
Thanks Sandi2 . I am trying to be fair and to protect the children. The mediator thougth it was a strange word to use when I said i just wanted to protect my wife and children by ensuring a roof over their heads.
Protecting me : I do not think I really understand what that really means. A part of me still belives that my wife wants the best for both of us and that she belives this is the best way.
Protecting me : I do not think I really understand what that really means. A part of me still belives that my wife wants the best for both of us and that she belives this is the best way.
It means that you need to do what YOU believe is best for you and your kids regardless of what your wife believes is best for you and your kids.
Me:38 W:39 No Children BD: 5/13 EA/PA Confirmed: 7/13 W Moved out 12/13
I didn't say anything about protecting your wife! She wants to remove herself out from your protection! Now, you and your children must be financially protected from her. B/c she may go after you like a shark. Most WAW's will get everything they can b/c of their mindset and b/c it is a struggle to have the lifestyle they can afford.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Anyway yesterday evening while I was doing sports with the Kids at work . My WAW comes over to the equipment room and starts to discuss again why the marriage is over and why I should let go etc.( The sports club is already unhappy that she does this ever week as it leaves me an emotional wreck nearly every time). Any way she brought forward herself that she would be willing to attend the sessions with the therapist recommended by the mediator in order to help me let go of the marriage. ( a step forward from how she reacted at the mediator's in the morning).
waiting to get a appointment for the session. The mediator wants it to be a session to convince me to accept that I can do nothing to change the situation and just accept it.
Just feeling like I am running out of steam and am so tired. Feels like I am about to start to ramble.
OK so today we had a meeting with - Social services - My therapist - Kids Therapists - WAS therapist - WAS - School representatives
Subject : Social services provide support to families falling apart in order to "protect the interests of the children" It is a forum to allow all the people involved to share information about the care of the children and prevent chinese whispers ( i.e. he said she said misunderstandings) Ein Gezin = One Face One Family
What happened : 1. I did not fall apart in tears this time
2. I stated clearly that I did not wish that my WAW corner me about our problems any more during the sports evenings with the children at work. WAW was unhappy about it saying that she did not have any other way she could discuss about the children and other issues. My reply was that if needed we can arrange an appointment but that it was inappropiate to address these issues which caused me to break down in tears at my workplace.
3. Kids are doing great at school and no problems at all.
4. Again encouraged by all that I should seek help to accept that we are getting divorce.
My take with a DB perspective: --------------------------------- 1. I managed to face my WAW without breaking down (is this a 180 ???) 2. I managed to state clearly a boundary (is this a 180 ???) 3. WAW feels vindicated in her descision by kids good grades and being told that I should just accept it. 4. I don't see much room/evidence for hope or what more 180s I need to do that can help. 5.Acceptance therapy I think would at least give me the tools to put on a brave face to the situation.
It helps writing it down and having comments from another perspective.
arrgh! feels like a physical punch in the stomach and I am not sure I am handling these situations correctly either for myself or in an appropiate DB way.
So today I get an email from my WAW clarifying in detail the kids schedule for the next two days and Easter and in the middle of it
> 1)Tonight I will pass you a bag with some papers that I found
Where tonight is the sports evening with the kids at my workplace which I thought yesterday she had agreed not to use to discuss issues regarding the separation. No details of what papers she is talking about.
Anyway here below was my response about which I really am not sure if my answer was appropiate or helpful. I am constantly second guessing my self it feels like.
Dear xxxxx Thankyou for the clarification of the children's schedule for the next two days. Regarding the bag with papers: 1. Work is not the appropiate place to transfer papers. 2. What papers are you reffering to? It is inappropiate to start emptying the house of paperwork prior to mediation
Regarding the points about the children sure no problems. Regards xxxxxx
