I think I belong here #2

[praying_in_GA]

Thank you all for the words and advice. As always, Job is amazingly insightful.

It is so much harder this time around with him still here in the house. Funny thing he said the other day....he told me that last time it only took me one month to get over him and move on. He said in one months time I was happy and going on without him then he came back for the kids and ruined it all. He said he should have never came back because I was doing well without him. He had moved out last time and I dove head first into DBing like a pro. I was nowhere NEAR over him and our marriage, he just wasn't here to sense those down times.

Anyway, I had so many dreams last night.

First I dreamed we were renewing our vows...but he realized halfway through the day that he wanted to leave so we had to decide what to do.

Then I dreamed That there was dirt everywhere. Dirt and dust and bugs and I couldn't clean it up enough to make him happy. I kept apologizing and he kept saying it was fine but he would disappear for a long time and come back to find me still cleaning.

Then we moved to a party or some sort. There were a bunch of guys there and I kept looking for him. When I would finally find him he would disappear again into the crowd or tell me he was going to get something but never come back. I would randomly find him hanging out with other women then he was gone again.

To say I didn't get much sleep is an understatement. Why can't our minds leave us alone enough to get a good nights sleep?

Detaching and letting go isn't working so well for me. Logically I know I have no control over what happens. I can only choose to stick it out or kick him out. He has to decide to be with me or not. But I can't help the feeling that "If only..."

Basically, it has been almost 7 weeks and I am in the same place I was on day one. I am a DB failure this time around.