Pursuing normally pushes them away. Have you read the Sandi's Rules in the newbie area? There's also so much good information in the homework Cadet posted early in your thread. Detach, GAL, focus on YOU, let him go on this journey alone, you can't fix it. Educate yourself, eat, breathe, sleep, stay positive.
Me - 42 exH - 56 Married 10.5 years Together 17 bomb dropped 1/6/14 signed papers 2/4/14 H moved out 2/22/14 D final 4/4/14 Dropped the rope 5/17/14 2 cats, 2 dogs
I have tried multitude of things and nothing seems to work. By no contact, I mean I do not text or call unless it is kid related but we do have contact as far ad conversations at home. I am at a loss of what to do because he has put his wall up since the beginning. When I pursue he feels smothered. I need yo go back and reread db and Dr.
Go back to read the section about writing down your goals. When you talk to your H, don't make the conversations "all or nothing" ones. Meaning don't expect him to behave or answer in a certain way and get discouraged when he doesn't react the way you want.
Think of his "wall" like a fortress. You're like a body of water outside that wall. If you keep hammering at that wall like a giant wave, all he's going to do is to keep fortifying that wall. But water also has the principle of becoming a little trickle. Those little trickles can make their way into the cracks in the wall. Slowly over time, the water erodes the cracks to the point that the wall collapses. All without the people in the fort noticing.
That is your goal. Learn to communicate with small talk then slowly grow that communication and then slowly introduce more "personal" type subjects. Try that out and log your progress. The change in him won't be immediate, but they'll come out in time.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
Thanks so much for the advice. What you said makes total sense. I think my problem is that I want to rush and made too many goals to achieve. I will start with one simple goal at a time. I am just so freaked about this situation that my anxiety hinders me.
It was extremely painful and difficult to live with him he would leave the room if I walked in he would not talk then we became friendlier especially after he left the house he visited a lot I learned to let go to validate his thoughts and feelings to NOT ask for anything and be grateful if he did help in some way
this went on for 2 years till he finally filed--I asked him to file after D I began to let go more
My XH was never the same as before MLC..I have not spoke to him for many years now but from what I hear..He is living a strange existence with a crazy wife OW 7 years later..the time goes by fast!I wi
I wound up meeting another man unexpectedly..still with him 5 years later
But for the 2 years post bomb we were friendly..I was standing then it just seemed time to move on you will know
peace
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
Thanks. I have hopes that his filing is just a bluff. He has gotten deep into lying stage. I think he even believes his lies. Whatever happens I sure I will eventually recover. I just feel bad for d7 and d5. H is a good dad, but he has been floundering some. I also know with the kids being so young, we will have to work together and play nice for many years to come.
The last few nights h has not spent time at ow place until the wee hours. He was trying to hide talking to her on his cell, but at least he had door closed, so I could not hear. Meanwhile, he will talk to me,but is cold beyond that. I cannot seem to breakdown his fortress, not even crack it. But ibwill continue to try.
Wish me luck and if you pray add me to your prayers.
The best thing you can do is ignore his behavior, i.e., not speaking to you, etc. The more you try to engage him, the more likely he will pull away. When he realizes you aren't buying into is behavior, he'll start talking to you again.
Just leave him alone. Keep the focus on you and your kids.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
