Mondays for days ...

[Train]

Thanks, Starsky. I really feel, in my heart of hearts, that we both need some time away from one another to sort things out, if it ever comes to that. If we ever want to TRY, I'd like to date again. It'd be a nice change from the norm for me to have H take time for me and pursue me a little. I just wish I felt more of a commitment from him - even just a tad. I wish he would give me any indication that he thinks I am (we are) worth it.

twin, I see what you're saying. And I know my sitch could seem SO much worse and more hopeless. I guess my fear is that I'm in danger of being in the "friend zone." I don't FEEL like either H or I look at each other as friends. He's still clearly very sexually attracted to me; he even asked on Sunday if L had provided a definition of "which kind" of sex we should abstain from. Lol. I just said: "All of the above." But men, I think, are perfectly fine having relationships with women that are "friends with benefits." And I'm sure I offer H familiarity and comfort and intimacy whereas OW has provided passion and fire. We actually talked Sunday for a minute or two about the couple of weeks he and I continued to ML after I found out about the A but thought it was "text-only." I mentioned it was great to me, probably because of the intense feelings of desperation and clinging to hold on to something that's slipping through my fingers. And so, I said, it was probably just ME that thought it was so good. And he said, "Nah. It was good."

I don't even remember when we got on that subject, or how. It ended as quickly as it began.

If he was half as interested in pursuing emotional intimacy with me as he is in pursuing physical intimacy, we'd be good to go right now.

But either way we slice it - whether H is interested in sex and a little bit of company once a week, or interested in D and marrying OW - we don't have our Hs with us. They're not committed. And both situations come with pros and cons. At the end of the day, though, we're both pretty much empty-handed. And that blows.