She left - 2

[gogofo]

Also, just so I know, what would SHE say your flaws are, if any? I don't recall what it is you believe might have played a role in all this, on your end.

I am not defending your w's affair, but I have to say, it's very rare for a woman who has no record of cheating, to have an affair if her marriage had been solid or her needs were met.

She would say that I was self centered and controlling. She expressed feeling trapped or unvalued in her opinion. I had issues taking her for granted. When doing things that were not EXACTLY what I wanted to do, she specifically mentioned visiting her family, I would be "miserable".

She said recently that she did not think that I liked her. She got specific and said that I did not like her music, decorating taste, clothes, haircut etc. Revisionist history, but her feelings right now. I would talk about how new country music is a product, etc, and talk about the music I liked as art not a product. Decorating the house I felt was a collaborative experience but to her it must have felt like an argument. I tend to overthink and plan way too much when she would just want to do what she wants right away.

Lastly I was way overcommitted to my job/career. What killed us was the last six months when I would work 60 to 75 hours a week with weekends and nights working were common place. She likes to be able to get away and have fun and my job trapped me and my actions made it seem to her that I would not allow her to do things either. I was miserable in my job and it reflected towards her.

Affair? You may be getting my history mixed with someone else. The most that may have happened (that I know of) was some time last year she was talking with a coworker about her doctoral program she is in and she said she felt paid attention to and interesting. I had not made her feel that way in a while. I think it may have ended and do not think it progressed to anything more but I am not sure. When she was serious and ready to file for a D, she admitted to her EA but that it was only one or two conversations about her work.

So what are you working on in you, specifically?

My biggest two things are developing empathy and not basing my happiness on success. For half my life I knew what I wanted to be in my career and when I achieved every step along the way I set a new goal that I thought would bring happiness. I no longer am basing my happiness on career goals, I am finding happiness in everyday life, friends, family, etc. (thanks Shawn Achor!)

Developing empathy has shown me my self centered actions of the past and how she felt she does not matter. I am working on selfless actions and active listening. I have never assumed I was blameless in the separation. In fact I have accepted 90% or better of the issues leading to the separation. I have spent much of my time putting myself in her situation and I know and understand why she would leave with the feelings she said she had.

Also I changed my work roll at work and voiced issues with the commitment I was "forced" into with the project. I rearranged and delegated more responsibilities to others and I am seeing if other employees can step up to the plate and do what they should be doing in their positions. I take every opportunity that comes up to show that family is more important than work.

Tons of GAL. Reconnecting with friends, exercising, house repairs, walking with the dogs, all around staying busy and positive.

Also I read self help books about relationships and also about communicating with kids and being a better parent. The least amount of work I have done on myself and the DBing has been 1.5 hours. This has been everyday since Superbowl Sunday.

I have been doing more, but this is what I can come up with during lunch at the spur of a moment.

I am committed to DBing, my kids, and fixing my relationship (if possible); maybe overly at times. Just trying to be a better me and keep up my work to ensure that these changes have the best chance possible at becoming permanent.