Mondays for days ...

[Train]

I have a feeling my old thread, Take Two, is about to lock up. So I'm starting a new one.

Today is Tuesday, which means I feel a little better now. My Mondays always leave me crazy because H has the kids all day Sunday. And the past two Sundays, I've seen a little more of him than I should have.

No real developments over here.

Sunday, as I've already posted, was a little odd. I'm still scratching my head over the fact that H dropped a tear or two .. and that he said he told OW he needed to come home ... then said he had his own realization that moving back now, and going through therapy, would be a decision he made "out of convenience ... just like in 2005."

Speaking of 2005 - and this is (hopefully) just trauma/flashbacks from then - it occurred to me, after reading another person's thread this morning: Omg. What if OW gets pregnant? I know he isn't/wasn't using protection. And when he told me that she cried and was all messed up when he mentioned needing to "go back home," I thought: Oh no. She's desperate and grasping at straws now. She has given up EVERYTHING for this man - including, very likely, custody of her own D11 - and he's expressing doubts? He's having second thoughts - ALREADY? This, IMO, is what OW 2005 did. She got pregnant when H told her he wanted to move back home, all the while supposedly telling H that she couldn't get pregnant because of medical issues. I don't want to even think about it. But I have to because it's at least a possibility. And one that I've lived. I've decided, though, that it would be a deal-breaker this time. There's no question in my mind.

I'd be lying if I said I also haven't found a little comfort in H's words that he isn't taking all the responsibility for the A now - he has realized that "she didn't have to call (him) back." And I also found out he paid a hefty price to put a mountain bike on layaway. I'm not happy about the expense, mind you, but at least it seems like maybe he's being selfish instead of considering paying for OW's legal fees. Geez. I find "comfort" in some pretty twisted things these days.

When H was here Sunday, he couldn't sit still. He has always hated our house; he bought it when we were dating because I fell in love with it. He also hates yard work. But Sunday, when he clearly was having a hard time just sitting down to drink a beer while watching the kids play, he jumped on the lawnmower and cut my grass for me. With me being an "acts of service" girl, this spelled bad news for the Love Bank. He started cleaning up the back patio, and even at one point said, "I don't know why I care."

I had actually asked H to take D2 to a photo shoot I had scheduled months ago for her. I had made an outfit for her to wear months ago, too. H agreed. But on Sunday, I told him I thought I might follow them there because I wanted to watch D2 with the bunnies and chicks that would be in the pictures with her. (I also wanted to make sure her outfit and hat were on "right" in the photo - H puts her clothes and shoes on backwards ... no joke.) I told him I wouldn't stay the entire time since it was his day with the kids. He texted back, "I'm not allergic to you. It's all good girly girl." (Girly girl? Say wha??) When he got here, he offered for me to ride with him and the kids out there. I hesitated for a while. But D2 got so excited about Mommy riding with them, so I agreed. It was fine. A little small talk, maybe. H helped out so much at the photo shoot, as usual. He's an incredible dad and has always been such a help to me with the kids.

He stayed here, working on S7's outdoor project, because he couldn't take the kids to his place since his roommate had to sleep for work that night. At one point, I was out watching D2 so H and S7 could work, which required a tall ladder. D2 kept trying to climb it, so I offered to keep her occupied outside so the boys could work without interruptions but, more importantly, so D2 wouldn't get hurt. D2 wanted to go inside, so I told them we were heading in. H said, "Why do *you* have to go in? D16 can watch her inside." In my mind, I was like: Oh! He wants my company!

Ugh. I'm so lame.

Yesterday was just ... whatever. A typical Monday of me thinking: What am I doing? Should I go completely dark? Should I put an intermediary in place to handle things with the kids? Am I ready for that? Is that the approach that is best for me and this sitch? My mind goes CRAZY with questions and second-thoughts and doubts on Mondays. Plus, it was cold and rainy yesterday. That's never good for the ol' PMA.

Today, H had to take me at lunch to pick up my car after it was inspected. I could not find anyone else who could do it, and I had to have someone with car seats in their cars for the kids. If he couldn't do it, I'd be without my car for at least another day. He seemed totally fine with helping and even told me to give the garage his number in case anything turned up wrong with the car. It was a quick trip. He DID say something inappropriate, out loud to me, about a neighbor's behind as we drove by. And I promptly told him it was inappropriate to say in front of his W. He asked if he could have the kids Wednesday instead of Thursday this week. I told him that's not a problem. We talked briefly about his parents coming to town this weekend ... and prom on Saturday for Ds 16 & 17. H wants to watch them walk into prom, so I'm trying to coordinate times. (And the good news is he has plans all day Sunday, his bday, with the kids and his parents. So I won't have to worry about seeing him Sunday. That's good.)

But despite things seeming sort of calm, H texted a little while ago to ask for L's email address so he can respond to "his/your proposal."

More of this:

Back to reality.

I mean, I'm okay with it. I really have come a long way with detaching from his crazy. It seems I'm operating better in the face of his "ups and downs."

I wrote a letter last night to, well, myself. I wrote it with someone else in mind as the recipient, though. That made me better able to be thorough and open and honest. It's basically a letter to help me remember how I'm allowing him to make me feel: worthless, useless and like trash kicked to the curb. And it's a letter that talks about the kind of person I deserve in my life. I can't say it was "healing," per se. It actually made me mad as I wrote it. I got mad because I saw - right there in black and white - how much crap I have put up with and haven't deserved. And I have continued to love him? How? How does that work? How does that even make sense?