[BrightFuture]

Job, I was thinking about the professional help. The thing is that I am not angry at my parents anymore. I identified the issues and how they affected me. They did their best raising me. I’m grateful for a lot of things they did for me. The only thing is that there was no emotional connection, but they want us to be fully engaged in their lives now. They want this connection now, but it is not there. I don’t know how to explain this. Also, it is like they are little kids and want us to take care of them. I went through a Landmark Forum where they encouraged us to complete all the issues with the parents. I tried to do that and talk to them and let them know what kind of resentments I had. They didn’t understand it. All it cased was some anger at first and then they were very offended like little kids. So, I stopped. And now, when I look at my Dad, I just cannot see myself confronting him.

My resentment is towards them trying to make me to participate in their life to the point when I have to decide everything for them. They want to live with one of us (me or my sister), so we could take them to the stores, to the doctors, to entertain them, to have family dinners every night with long conversations. They want to be completely dependent on us. At the same time, they want to tell us what to do with our lives. My Mom loves to criticize anything and everything. It feels like they want us on a short leash. It feels like they want us to dedicate the rest of our lives to them. It is just like having kids again, but with no end in sight.

For so many years when I was a kid, they pushed me aside. They never wanted to know what was going on inside of me. I learnt not to share with my Mom any of my feelings or thoughts, because all I got in response was criticism. My Dad just simply didn’t care to know about my feelings. Now they want us to share, but still reserve the right to criticize.

I made a mistake in my first M. Actually marrying the guy was a big mistake. But I didn’t have anybody who could give me an advice. My Mom never liked my first X and always criticized him, so I thought it was just the same old trend. I ignored all the red flags. Actually, I had no idea there were plenty of them.

I love my parents and I don’t mind taking care of them and helping them. I just don’t want to be on a short leash. I feel like I still cannot fully explain the whole thing. I feel like people don’t understand it.

I’ve been thinking about this silver lining a lot. I just still think that I would rather not go through this MLC thing. I started to realize my issues, working on them and making changes in myself way before the BD. I was slowly becoming more aware of the things I was doing. Maybe the changes would not be so fast and drastic, but I think I was going in the right direction. Today, I really don’t appreciate H shaking my world like this.

I didn’t take your comment about the replay stage literally. I know this is just another opinion, but I appreciate it. I actually would like to think that he is still in replay, because if he is not, it would mean that it is really over and he made his decision.